What would you do for love?

Somewhat rhetorical and somewhat shabby question now isn’t it? Just like the claim: “I would never do …. this or that”and then you end up doing just that ad remember the exact moment when you said you would never.

The fact is, you just don’t know, but after you liked someone a lot or even loved (or you thought you did), you gain a certain experience and knowledge of yourself, not the other person, not the “love” as a romanticized can’t live without feeling, but you - you as a person, your own morals, your own limits and your own ability to forgive or not to forgive.

The other day, I got hurt, a lot a whole lot. I was sitting in a hotel room in a foreign country, staying in a city I don’t know with a person who I thought I knew and I was falling apart into pieces, one by one... I felt that catastrophically overwhelming pain all over my body. I was hyperventilating, my heart was beating as if it will explode any second, I was crying and shaking at the same time and I couldn’t take a deep breath from the pain in my chest. I felt as if I will faint in any second and die. In that moment it felt like dying would be a relief. This day, at that very moment, I felt like my whole world fell apart and I felt extremely lonely.

I called the same two people I always call when I feel like the only person in the whole wide world…my mum and my best friend Anita. Why them? Because my mum has experienced the world enough to know it is gray and not black or white, she has the patience, love and wisdom to advise me without imposing her own opinion or final solution for my problem.    

 While Anita is probably the most realistic and blunt person on the face of the earth who ALWAYS saids it how it is no matter how much it hurts. Also, she knows what I did before, what I will probably do and knows what to say to control my drama. Anita advised me to write down how I feel today and how much it hurts to serve me as a reminder for the future, so I did…

After couple of hours of drama, screaming, yelling, throwing stuff, crying and talking, the same question kept running through my head: “What would I do for love?” then I rewind my love life backwards trying to remember big things which I did but don’t regret doing…

-  I worked 40 hours a week for a month and saved every cent eating from vending machine to buy my first boyfriend brand new palm pilot for his graduation
- I quit my dream job in fashion and flew overseas without a plan to try to save my relationship
-  I am flying every month to stay for a week in another country to keep my long distance relationship going
-  I forgave and gave him a second chance?????

I got stuck with the last one thinking what it would take for me to do it: I would need to swallow my pride, turn the other cheek, continue to love, forgive, take a risk to fall apart again…be a bigger person then him – trust again. Since this is a new experience for me I am still not sure of what I will do and I feel like a hypocrite when I pray in these kind of situations but I did, I prayed yesterday, because I felt like no human can be so unselfish to give me an advice which will be – forgive, give a second chance.

“Often, it’s not about becoming a new person, but becoming the person you were meant to be, and already are, but don’t know how to be.”

 Heath L. Buckmaster, Box of Hair: A Fairy Tale

Ups...I am in love.

I had an hour long PMSal conversation with my boyfriend last night, who although at moments losing his patience trying to find a solution or a point of the discussion we were having, he listened to me patiently, kindly and lovingly.

     Indeed, I had a point in mind, I knew what I wanted to tell him but I was terrified of what his response might be so I talked and talked and talked about everything else, none of which actually bothered me, all while trying to find a courage and a right way to tell him that I am totally falling in love with him and in a way looking for his  „It's ok, I won't hurt you and lie to you, it’s safe to love me“  reassurance.

I know, this might seem naive from my side and impossible to guarantee from his side, but you see, I have been in relationships before with good guys, bad guys, cowardly guys, loving guys and athlete guys...but this time it feels different. He is different. I look into his eyes and I know that he has good morals, he stands firm on the ground, he means well, what he is telling me is the honest truth, he is young but he acts with an integrity of a strong, well raised gentleman and he really does care for me.

Is he a perfect man? Not at all. But he is not running away from problems, relationship talks and PMSal drama conversations – he stays and he listens, my weaknesses are his strengths, he makes me a better person.

What I am asking from him is an emotional security and loving support, in return he asks me to give him a reality check when he needs it and to give him an unconditional support with all that he does. Fair enough, cause at the end - these are the things that are priceless. 

  Passion and attraction come and go periodically through relationship, material things (presents, clothes, car, apartment...) are an instant happiness fix which quickly wares off, all of these material things need to be replaced sooner or later, while friendship and true values remain to be the thing we look for from our partner when we are at our lowest.

As this special person we love fits in between friends and family on our priority list - we choose who it is freely and are connected with more than just a platonic friendship. Cherish such person if you have him/her in your life, as these days – such people are trully hard to find.

Thank you!

These are one of the first words most kids are thought at the early age by the proud parents who twitch the hand or pet their kids head when they are given something by someone saying: “Brian, honey, what do we say?” Or “Say thank you sweetheart!”

Even though we are repeatedly thought the same lesson throughout our lives by our parents, family, teachers and later companies we work for – do we really say it when and to whom it matters? Do we really mean it?

This is a quit personal post, but this is after all my personal blog J this is to say thank you to hero ladies who made a significant impact in my life and shaped me into who I am today and who I am striving to become like.

TO MY GRANDMAS ….  Who were true ladies, hard working, classy and most fashionable women in town; both of them knew how to hold their families together by being a strong support to their husbands and gentle but determined hand which lead the family & steered each of the kids towards personal independence with no excuses. Thank you for creating a family full of strong, independent, successful and beautiful ladies. Thank you! RIP.

TO MY MOTHER … who taught me to march to my own drum no matter what, who showed me the power of forgiveness, who taught me to lead with my heart and never to settle with anything less than exactly what I deserve and who continuous to show me that impossible is nothing. From her I learned that love is an unselfish and honest gift with which you give your whole self, expecting nothing in return. She reminds me to keep a child in me alive and stay creative weather making a smiling scrambled egg for breakfast to my boyfriend or jumping head in into new assignment at work. Thank you!

TO MRS.DEB & MRS.JENN… You were my American mothers, sisters, friends and extended family. From you I learned that life brings diversity, that not all situations in life are black or white. You supported me when I was hurt, provided a true role model of successful and strong women, mothers and ladies. You taught me everything from how to cook peanut noodles to how to put on a diaper and how to dump a bad news boyfriend. Thank you!

TO MY LITTLE ANGELS…Julia & Meg, Carolyn & Patrick. You made me realize and experience that there is such thing as unconditional love. You make me proud every day as you are growing into incredibly talented and strong young women & a man and I think about you very, very often as you impacted my life tremendously. Thank you!

TO MY GIRLS….Anita, Iva, Maja, Tea, Armina, Matea….You cried, danced, drank, fought, painted furniture, cooked, got in trouble, partied hard,  made mistakes, studied, worked out, together with me & you are still doing it. You are my kick in the butt when I need it, my favorite coffee dates, my long night calls, my book club and my support system. Thank you!

Who did you say thank you today lovelies? Don’t assume they know it.

"If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is 

'thank you', it will be enough." 

~ Meister Eckhart~

Masks off.

Vogue Mexico November, 2010.

How many of you ladies can remember the first coffee with your girlfriends after you have started dating a new guy? As soon as you sit down girls say – Sooo? How do you feel about him, it's official now, right?

Then you excitedly start your monolog about your new boyfriend, while blinking with your shinny eyes and explaining how he is very special and different than any other guy so far, how he knows you so well and understands you instantly, how he has incredible sense for humor and he is just... he is just so perfect!

3-5 months later, you start commenting how it is so annoying when he doesn't answer your text messages which are obviously written in a question form, how you don't understand why he has so many female Facebook friends and how sex with him is becoming a bit to...usual.

“Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without 

and know we cannot live within.”

~James Arthur Baldwin~

He, while talking to one of his best friends over a beer casually mentions how you have been acting a bit pissy lately, his friend comments it's probably just PMS and they reroute their conversation to football again.

Do we really start showing a different face couple of months into a relationship? Why are we acting so differently first couple of months in relationship and then slowly but surely masks go down. Unintentionally or not, they do start peeling off and the real you which remains should be and is good enough, with all of your flaws and small imperfections which you have been carefully hiding.

Pssss...Don’t sweat the small stuff, they don't even notice it!

Pick your battles and always say what’s on your mind –don't play games (other than those in bed) & remain honest even when there is something uncomfortable you need to share.

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. 

Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.     

 ~Oscar Wilde~

It is ok to open up and share good & bad, because that is what relationship is all about. It should be a support system during good and bad times, a cushion to fall on a shoulder to cry on & unlimited support source – even when we least deserve it.

We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin.

 ~André Berthiaume, Contretemps ~

So...why not try to start with a mask off lovelies?

A gold-digger.

Definition of GOLD DIGGER  - noun

 1: one who digs for gold

2: a person who uses charm to extract money or gifts from others
Any woman whose primary interest in a relationship is material benefits. A woman who cares more about a man's bank account than she does about the man. The closest male equivalent is a gigolo or boy toy.

I wanted to write the post on this topic awhile ago until recently someone reminded me on the timelessness of this topic and term which people tend to throw around a lot as it relates to mostly women in different situations.

First, I would like to say that more and more I can think of many men fitting in above dictionary description of a term – gold-digger or maybe more politely put – conveniently in-love men.

However as it is mostly relates to women (even in a definition) I went ahead and did a little interview with a friend who proudly saids she indeed picks her boyfriends (often more at a time, but one official one) according to their financial status.

She claims that she feels flattered by their attention and gifts, she likes fancy dinners and vacation they take her to and said that she only acts like men do and sees nothing wrong in that.

First I have judged her, I admit it...but after looking at the bigger picture, I felt sorry for her. I feel sorry because I don't think she believes she deserves better, I don't think she believes she is able to take care of herself on her own and I don't think that she is happy.

Her belief that man should be used „because they are all the same, they lie and cheat“I think it’s sad. Her parents bad marriage and couple of bad relationships do not stand as a proof that all man are the same and should be punished for sins of couple of bad apples who came before them. It is taking an easy way out – and being scared to get to know a guy and maybe even fall in love with him and not his car.

All in all, a potential gold-digger should understand that – although every woman likes nice clothes, shoes & living standard, these cannot hug you back at night, and lonely feels equally lonely no matter the price of the sheets you are lying on. While with being with a man who willingly takes this kind of „treatment“ and goes with it, she gets what she deserves.

Although desirable, Gucci, Hermes, Chanel purses and clothes and expensive cars  are all seasonal, dropping in price and value starting from the day you buy them.

Did we really start measuring love in currency ladies?

What is the broken hearts worth?

"Everyone wants to ride with you in the limo, but what you need is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."

~Oprah Winfrey~

Jealousy.

Many think of jealousy as something dire,

Yet its definition saids it shows our desire,

As long as it stays within the lines,

There is no feeling it undermines.

So don’t think of it as a negative feeling,

Think of it as proof she is scared to lose you,

 And that she finds you appealing.

Maybe it’s still early and you don’t know me that well,

Maybe wrong assumptions rang that warning bell.

Why not keep our hearts open?  So if we ever share the keys,

I am sure the relationship will remain as light as the breeze.

I don’t want you to wear the sign reservada,

Our relationship shouldn’t force you to sacrifice nada.

I want you to wear my invisible hug,

To hold you tighter when you are lonely and need a snug,

To remind you I care for you even when you’re mad,

To prove to you l’ll do everything possible to never see you sad.

To know that what I am saying is honest and true,

To remind you that I am always thinking of you.

Love calculator.

Searching→ hoping → trusting → risk taking → Love making → wish making → loving → fighting → questioning → cheating → lying→ apologizing → denying → generalizing → hating → heart breaking→ heart bruising → trust breaking → friend loosing →feelings ignoring → forward moving → love making → risk taking →hoping…

Seems like for people today it is easier to scream then to listen, to pay for the lawyer then to pay for the rose, it’s easier to say "Goodbye" then "I am sorry", it’s easier to judge then to try to understand, it’s easier to assume then to ask, it’s easier to give up then to try harder. It’s easier to drink it over then to talk it over, to replace then to cherish, to criticize then to help, it’s easier to lie then to face the truth.

What’s love, what’s love got to do with it?

Madrid mágico.

One would think I would have more photos to share after a week long vacation spent in beautiful Madrid. This was my first and last photo marking start of my vacation on Prague's airport, this was the moment where I took that “deep finally vacation breath” and tried to understand the articles I was reading in latest edition of Spanish Vogue.

Ahh the things we do for love….of fashion J Language is no barrier, and indeed, I understood most of it (thank you Marisol – 5th grade elementary school!). Other three and a half days I have spent detoxing from all of the daily noise of internet, iPhone, Twitter, Facebook, junk food, not sleeping and even blogging....and I tell ya it was short but magical!

At the same time I finally had time to hear myself think (not in a weirdo kind of way) and I had a chance to rethink how I go about what I want and don’t want in life and about the warp speed I am living at. 


Yes, I did all that couple of hours each day during my three day stay, on a sunny terrace in Madrid with my new Amigo mowing the lawn by the pool and occasionally curiously looking at me stretch in yoga poses in between my  Spanish Vogue and chic-lit pages.

Another magical thing happened in Madrid actually, it caught me totally of guard and I am still not sure how to go about it…all I know is that I am enjoying the journey. J

Growing balls.

After dating a guy who was much better with using his balls in his profession than in private life, pardon my language. It took me quit a while to even give a benefit of a doubt to another balls carrier.

As I guess any recently emotionally wounded girl I thought I would play it safe at least for starters and to go with the type I know I like. Ouu boy was I wrong. Ladies, take it from me, the physical strength and size (height) of a guy rarely EVER corresponds with his “machoness”, just on a contrary – it rarely ever does. So here I am – learning this lesson for the God knows which time over again: The bigger the man – the smaller the balls (not literary of course, but sometimes literary to).

Therefore, I “wisely” concluded at the age of 26 – In this day and age, young women have evolved in a way that we will sooner grow balls then they (men) would utilize theirs.

If you look at what is all expected from us, and here, I am talking for real, no feminist talk, is to pace ourselves daily in order not to act and/or look like a gold-digger – because that would mean that women would focus on her looks only with a mission to merry a rich man and completely disregard her own needs for intellectual or spiritual and social development, acting inferior to boost his macho – which is just wrooong and man would feel totally used.

Secondly, we should not go into other “extreme” and be more successful than the certain bal-less individual – cause this would make him feel inferior and in no way macho man in front of others, and would totally conflict with his animalistic instinct of being sole food and security provider for the family.

Now you are thinking, maybe I should be somewhere in the middle and have a job, but not a carrier so I can look good and take care of the family and maybe then he will have balls to be a real man…but nooo, noup. Then you see – you might become boring and predictable, being with you would be too safe and you would never leave him – so he would go out and play a little – and would go to try out his “machoness” with someone else.

After careful analysis and hearing of similar experiences from my girlfriends, I have concluded I am not going to play the games and act the society labeled rolls, not any of them. In order to stay true to myself, I am not ready to take on yet another role and grow the balls myself to be a part of a relationship. Although open-minded and social as I am, I am starting to build a career and I have a job I love –but I am not a “career women”. I can be an amazing cook and I actually enjoy cleaning and doing some stuff around the house – but I am not ready to be labeled as a “housewife”. Also, I do spend a lot of money on myself, I do love expensive clothes and going to fancy places – but I am not ready or willing to take on a role of a “gold-digger” and use this as a condition when selecting a guy I would like to date.

So dear bal-less men out there, please understand, we are physically weaker gender, and yes we can do it all on our own really, but we shouldn’t have to, we should not have to take the initiative for every single thing in life and guide you through life while at the same time pacing ourselves not to make you feel inferior, so please step up and be men. Take the lead, not because it is expected – but because it should come naturally. Relationship is a two way street, so rather than observing celebrities and athletes – look at your fathers and grandfathers and look at the gentleman gestures most of them are doing. You got them, you were born with them – use them.

So ladies, did you grow your balls yet? ;)

After the storm

After the warm nights, fun days and many smiles,

After all the kisses, lunches together and funny rymes.

After the stupid ant and elephant jokes,

after the movie nights and many facebook pokes.

After you opened up to me,

we made plans and built the trust,

Here came the storm and

made all these dreams into a dust.

It came from nowhere, strong and cruel,

I didn't know you gave it a fuel.

I put my guard down, gave you my heart and my all

and expected you would be a man and stand tall.

You made your choice and left without a trace,

seems like your critics had a point when they said you don't deserve that real chance.

We made music together.

I got your letter and I was sad,

You wrote it cause of her and that made me mad,

I fell in love, and that was my only bad.

The words you used were hurtful and lame,

there was nothing for what you took the blame.

I am never aggresive, just young and naive,

I was always honest to you and my intention was never to decieve.

You can write all you want to make yourself believe,

all of our friends have noticed the emotion,

so go ahead and act like you have this new "devotion".

 After all, I don't regret a thing, 

everybody knew it wasn't just a fling.

We looked good together, it lasted long,

we both knew, something would soon go wrong.

I wish you all the best, whatever you choose to do,

just remember that for Tango - it takes two.

After so many years of lies - sometimes love dies, 

but I guess when there is cash in question - it somehow multiplies.

 Together we had fun times, wrote music and spoke in rhymes.

I jumped in it free and with an open heart, 

I just wanted to see you happy ...

so I don't feel like a victim and I am ready for a new start. 

"Zbogom."

Your loss.

I got beaten by a pro, but how could I know?

That everything he did, wasn't what he stood for.

Every smile and every joke, now seem so fake,

I knew what I was up against, I knew what was at stake,

the same as you should know now, what decision to make.


Give me a reason to stay, show me you care, 
or go back to same lies and brake all our ties.


I know its hard to fix things, but when you finally dare,
after all you are now putting me through - I might no longer be there.

Love loan

Recently I had one of those phone calls with a girlfriend when she called and she was in pain, and I knew this pain very well, so well that my throat started choking with every new sentance she said. 

    In this situation you just want to help her any way possible and than you transform into this most reasonable, most rational "Psychiatrist know it all", who just waits for her to take a break to cry or to breath and you go back and rationalize every chunk of the story she said so far...and that's how it goes...for hours...and than you kind of always conclude with a cheesy joke from the past only you two share. 

      You remind her how fabulous she is, how she is better off without him, how you didn't like him anyways and how they were never really good as a couple, and finally you conclude the conversation with a cliche bullshit like "time will heal all the wounds" or "there is someone else out there, who is just perfect and waiting for you"...Right, and he is on the horse.

Why the hell do we women do this? Why do we put so much presure on ourselves and overanalize?

Why do we give LOVE LOAN to men, with no credit check, with no interest rate and prolonged payment period - forever. Are we just some LOVE ATMs with totally secured credit cards and endless limit? After so much witdrawals, are we LOVE broke by the time the right one comes along?

I wanted to tell him I was afraid he could never love me the way I wanted to be loved. 

I was afraid that maybe he didn't have the capacity to love anyone but himself. 

I was afraid that, given the chance, he'd break my heart again. 

But I cheated and just said 'I guess I was afraid.'