What would you do for love?

Somewhat rhetorical and somewhat shabby question now isn’t it? Just like the claim: “I would never do …. this or that”and then you end up doing just that ad remember the exact moment when you said you would never.

The fact is, you just don’t know, but after you liked someone a lot or even loved (or you thought you did), you gain a certain experience and knowledge of yourself, not the other person, not the “love” as a romanticized can’t live without feeling, but you - you as a person, your own morals, your own limits and your own ability to forgive or not to forgive.

The other day, I got hurt, a lot a whole lot. I was sitting in a hotel room in a foreign country, staying in a city I don’t know with a person who I thought I knew and I was falling apart into pieces, one by one... I felt that catastrophically overwhelming pain all over my body. I was hyperventilating, my heart was beating as if it will explode any second, I was crying and shaking at the same time and I couldn’t take a deep breath from the pain in my chest. I felt as if I will faint in any second and die. In that moment it felt like dying would be a relief. This day, at that very moment, I felt like my whole world fell apart and I felt extremely lonely.

I called the same two people I always call when I feel like the only person in the whole wide world…my mum and my best friend Anita. Why them? Because my mum has experienced the world enough to know it is gray and not black or white, she has the patience, love and wisdom to advise me without imposing her own opinion or final solution for my problem.    

 While Anita is probably the most realistic and blunt person on the face of the earth who ALWAYS saids it how it is no matter how much it hurts. Also, she knows what I did before, what I will probably do and knows what to say to control my drama. Anita advised me to write down how I feel today and how much it hurts to serve me as a reminder for the future, so I did…

After couple of hours of drama, screaming, yelling, throwing stuff, crying and talking, the same question kept running through my head: “What would I do for love?” then I rewind my love life backwards trying to remember big things which I did but don’t regret doing…

-  I worked 40 hours a week for a month and saved every cent eating from vending machine to buy my first boyfriend brand new palm pilot for his graduation
- I quit my dream job in fashion and flew overseas without a plan to try to save my relationship
-  I am flying every month to stay for a week in another country to keep my long distance relationship going
-  I forgave and gave him a second chance?????

I got stuck with the last one thinking what it would take for me to do it: I would need to swallow my pride, turn the other cheek, continue to love, forgive, take a risk to fall apart again…be a bigger person then him – trust again. Since this is a new experience for me I am still not sure of what I will do and I feel like a hypocrite when I pray in these kind of situations but I did, I prayed yesterday, because I felt like no human can be so unselfish to give me an advice which will be – forgive, give a second chance.

“Often, it’s not about becoming a new person, but becoming the person you were meant to be, and already are, but don’t know how to be.”

 Heath L. Buckmaster, Box of Hair: A Fairy Tale

Scorpion.

Photo: Harpers Bazaar editorial/ tale source: The Kevin Dolan

Scorpion had lived on the East side of the river valley for his entire life, and as he reached his second year, he asked himself what might await on the other side.

He saw a frog sitting calmly by the river.  Scorpion approached carefully, so as not to frighten the frog, but scorpions are a fearful creature after all and the frog withdrew into the water.

Scorpion yelled to the frog, “Frog, I am Scorpion and I would like to cross the river, but I cannot swim!  Can I hop on your back and ride across?”

The frog responded suspiciously, “But you are a scorpion?  How am I to know that you will not just sting me?”

Scorpion thought hard about how he could prove his innocence to the frog.  Perhaps some logic would do the trick!  “My dear frog, if I were to sting you, I would be left in the middle of the river to drown, for as you know, I cannot swim!”

Scorpion’s words were enough to convince the frog, so she agreed to take Scorpion across the river.  The frog swam to the bank and allowed Scorpion to climb atop her back.  Scorpion’s claws dug into the frog’s back, but she didn't mind.

As the frog began swimming across the river, she considered whether this would be the start of a lifelong friendship between her and Scorpion.

 

Just as the frog’s mind was wondering, she felt a sharp pain in her back.  She quickly began to feel her limbs going numb and her swimming began to slow.  She cried out to Scorpion, “Why have you stung me Scorpion? Now we are both going to drown here in the river!”

Scorpion replied simply, “Frog, I stung you because I am a scorpion.”

Some men are like scorpions. This frog wants to live.

Double face love.

Photo by Frederik Heyman

Recent conversation with couple of my friends on trust and relationships got me thinking. Is love really double-faced? How many of us love with fingers crossed in our pockets? How many people is in relationship with one person with a number of B options just a click away in his/hers cell-phone, notebook, Facebook, Twitter or WhatsApp? So when the tough gets going in a relationship you are CLICK gone…and CLICK goes the next one…

I wrote about love and trust in a number of ways in couple of different posts, going through various stages in life. It was quite interesting for me to learn how my own views changed with experience, as I guess there is no other way to learn this lesson but on my own skin.

Here are the couple of posts I wrote on this topic…

Emotional switch

Masks off

Wake up call

Trust

Still, going through my current life stage and relationship I find myself going foolishly and naively all out on a daily basics trying to be positive, loving and thinking that the other person will equally openly and honestly feel and act towards me, with no fingers crossed with no B options CLICK away…does he, do they really do the same?

What should one do when in doubt? Confront for every little thing? Ask rather than assume? Listen to that women instinct or let it go?

When I look back and remember myself when I was a little girl observing my parents well functioning marriage…wearing crown on my head and princess outfit on a daily basis, acting and moving like a confident princess trusting each person from the first day we met – I almost feel guilty telling that same girl with same morals just a bit older now, to be careful, wiser, to step back and act unlike her character in order not to get hurt.

When did double face love got in fashion?

OMG WTF is going on with us? LOL

  




 Since the first rays of sunshine peaked out I can see new bloomed optimism on peoples faces around town. Its like they are carefully and suspiciously taking of their layers of protective clothing they were wearing all through the viciously cold and dark winter. 


However, in part due to natural disasters and in other part due to economic crises (thank you Wall Street- not only you messed up my boyfriend but you also f...up the economy) people are less enthusiastic and more careful about not only investing, falling in love, planning families, booking vacations and buying fabulous clothes and shoes but also people are distancing themselves more from each other in this age of financial uncertainty by spending more time on the internet and communicating via social networks than in person.


   Lets face it. I mean, I am registered and actively using all social media there is, but I do feel the lack of face to face communication. Online, SMS and even video communication simply is still to primitive to replace the tone of the voice, facial gestures, the smell of the perfume, body language and the touch which are crucial for human existence and procreation. Thinking back, I used to be sad. But now I am still confused on WTF has happened and what is that I wrote or didn't write in my text message in the middle of the night to my ex to make him hate me so much and never want to talk again. Gotta love long distance SMS relationship and breaking up by changing relationship status on Facebook - very mature! 


 I am sorry, but facebook hug and kiss is not gonna cut it for me!I freaking hate those! Whenever somebody sends me one, I think to myself: Pick up the damn phone and call me you cheap jerk!
Whats next? SMS proposal? Twitter weeding? Giving birth to facebook baby via artificial IM insemination? I can see my husband asking me whats for dinner by adding comment to my blog or facebooking (yes its a word now) me that he paid the bills or forgot to pick up the child from school! 


Are all these cool new technologies bringing us closer and making the communication easier or pulling us apart? Who will you hug to sleep tonight your girlfriend or your iPhone? Will you wake up to kiss somebody or to check your facebook updates?

Xoxo,


                    Kat