What would you do for love?

Somewhat rhetorical and somewhat shabby question now isn’t it? Just like the claim: “I would never do …. this or that”and then you end up doing just that ad remember the exact moment when you said you would never.

The fact is, you just don’t know, but after you liked someone a lot or even loved (or you thought you did), you gain a certain experience and knowledge of yourself, not the other person, not the “love” as a romanticized can’t live without feeling, but you - you as a person, your own morals, your own limits and your own ability to forgive or not to forgive.

The other day, I got hurt, a lot a whole lot. I was sitting in a hotel room in a foreign country, staying in a city I don’t know with a person who I thought I knew and I was falling apart into pieces, one by one... I felt that catastrophically overwhelming pain all over my body. I was hyperventilating, my heart was beating as if it will explode any second, I was crying and shaking at the same time and I couldn’t take a deep breath from the pain in my chest. I felt as if I will faint in any second and die. In that moment it felt like dying would be a relief. This day, at that very moment, I felt like my whole world fell apart and I felt extremely lonely.

I called the same two people I always call when I feel like the only person in the whole wide world…my mum and my best friend Anita. Why them? Because my mum has experienced the world enough to know it is gray and not black or white, she has the patience, love and wisdom to advise me without imposing her own opinion or final solution for my problem.    

 While Anita is probably the most realistic and blunt person on the face of the earth who ALWAYS saids it how it is no matter how much it hurts. Also, she knows what I did before, what I will probably do and knows what to say to control my drama. Anita advised me to write down how I feel today and how much it hurts to serve me as a reminder for the future, so I did…

After couple of hours of drama, screaming, yelling, throwing stuff, crying and talking, the same question kept running through my head: “What would I do for love?” then I rewind my love life backwards trying to remember big things which I did but don’t regret doing…

-  I worked 40 hours a week for a month and saved every cent eating from vending machine to buy my first boyfriend brand new palm pilot for his graduation
- I quit my dream job in fashion and flew overseas without a plan to try to save my relationship
-  I am flying every month to stay for a week in another country to keep my long distance relationship going
-  I forgave and gave him a second chance?????

I got stuck with the last one thinking what it would take for me to do it: I would need to swallow my pride, turn the other cheek, continue to love, forgive, take a risk to fall apart again…be a bigger person then him – trust again. Since this is a new experience for me I am still not sure of what I will do and I feel like a hypocrite when I pray in these kind of situations but I did, I prayed yesterday, because I felt like no human can be so unselfish to give me an advice which will be – forgive, give a second chance.

“Often, it’s not about becoming a new person, but becoming the person you were meant to be, and already are, but don’t know how to be.”

 Heath L. Buckmaster, Box of Hair: A Fairy Tale

Supergirl.

...and then she'd say

That nothing can go wrong

When you're in love

What can go wrong?

...and then she'd say, It's okay

I got lost on the way

But I'm a supergirl

and supergirls don't cry...

You can see in her eyes

That no one is her chain

She's my girl, my supergirl...

...and then she'd scream in my face

Tell me to leave, leave this place

'Cause she's a supergirl

and supergirls just fly...

by Reamonn

The perfect man

I thought I had him,

Had him and let him go,

The truth is,

I haven't even met him yet,

so how could I know?

I could only imagine,

who he might be,

But will I ever meet him,

that we will see.

He sure is not a quitter,

that I know for sure,

I used to date one of those,

He is now in the past,

and past is right where he belongs.

He used to be kind,

But got lost on the way,

He used to know how to love,

Now he only loves his cash.

My man knows who he wants,

And That Who is Me,

he knows me and he cares,

no matter the challenges,

he is brave and he dares.

He cares to show me he's here for me,

He cares about me and it shows,

He is here when I need him,

What more can I ask for?

Money and success come easy to competent,

That's the fact that I know,

True Love is what you fight for

its something that you earn,

So once you have it....

Be thankful, take a risk,

cherish it,

and never let it go!

                                                                  

What's love got to do with it?

         The reason why I describe my blog as a line of love and a line of passion is my belief that one writes when one has extreme emotions about something/someone. Such emotions I have mostly about two things: man and fashion.

  As described in one of my past lines of love. I have been dating a couple of  man recently and kind of just getting to know them. After a while, only one remained as a constant in my life. 


However, the one who remained was the only one I haven't been taking seriously all along.

   From the beginning I prepared myself for a casual dating - friendship kind of thing and slowly have gotten to know him in a different light. I came to admire his courage, dedication, intelligence, growth and ambitions. I have developed a care for him, a need to protect him and to help him with what he would like to accomplish for himself in any way I can, because I really believe he deserves it all and more after what he has been through in life.

 First time I realized that was when we haven't spoke for a few days and I got so worried that I had a really bad dream about something happening to him and woke up crying like a baby.

At the same time, for the first time in a long time, despite his couple of key flaws, I felt safe, protected and understood. He seems to share my point of view in many things, my ambition, business sense, goals and unique, sarcastic and random, kind of stupid sense of humor.

    From nowhere, it came to me, I got hitched. 

After couple of bad dates with couple of good man, and more then a couple of poor excuses to myself why they are so wrong for me, I realized that I care for that one guy more than I have originally planned to, worst of all, I can't seem to make it go away. Now I am clueless about what to do.

 Since I realized this, I am avoiding him and ignoring this feeling which I can't seem to rationally explain, knowing the reality of the situation I am in. Although wrong on so many levels at the same time it seems to be most natural thing ever, while there is no choice for me to make. No choice at all.

Xoxo,


   Kat


        

 " The heart is forever inexperienced."

      

The girl & the baby

27th October,2009.

There is this girl I know. Smart girl, emotional girl, successful girl,naive girl. Sad girl. Pregnant girl.

Recently this girl has found out she was five weeks pregnant just after a relationship break up.

First she was panicking,didn't sleep for days, she felt scared and hopeless, wasn't sure if and how to break the news to her ex. Than after screaming: "You liar!" at the 4th clear blue line positive pregnancy test, she went to see a doctor and had an ultrasound where doctor showed her this little peanut creature, at first she said she couldn't even find it on the screen so doctor had to circle him on the paper.
Now it is not such a little peanut anymore and is slowly but surly growing, has fingers and toes and all.

The doctor advised her to break the news to the father. She was gathering the courage to do it for days, and finally did it. At first he thought it was all a joke, first he was shocked, than scared, than a bit positive and than finally insulting and selfish, negative and hateful.He was mostly consumed with himself and about what will others say about it all, he did not ask her if she is ok, if she is scared, if she needs something.
Lastly, he called her to tell her he doesn't love her, to tell her he wants' to forget it all and move on with a new women who can "make him happy".

In the meantime she didn't tell a soul about it, two of us, her best friends know about the baby and are trying to be there for her as much as possible, and we know although every day she puts her brave smile on and keeps going, she is shaking inside.

On her way to the clinic, rushing from work she takes couple of deep breaths and right in front of the door before she walks in, she forces herself to stretch a big smile over her face and cheerfully saids hi to the receptionist.

Every time she goes to this fancy clinic, she sees couples excitedly holding hands, some fighting about the name or baby room color, some are visibly scared and sitting a chair apart...but they are all in couples, nobody looking perfectly happy or ready, but still they are all there together.

And than there is she. Sitting alone with the right hand instinctively on her stomach protecting the baby - as if she is telling him, hang in there little one, we will be ok.

The doctor is not making it easier on her either asking all these questions "Ouuuu this is going to be a gorgeous baby...real fighter, daddy is probably really excited! How come he did not came here with you?" and than the girl lies and saids: "He is just real busy, working and traveling a lot,has big career! He is really excited! Can't wait!"

By the end of the ultrasound, she feels the need for some fresh air...she dresses real quick keeps her smile while the elevator door closes and than breaks down and cries all the way home. She just needs a hug and somebody to tell her she is not alone and that everything is going to be alright.

The girl comes home...showers for hours thinking water will wash out all of the memories of him, all of his kisses, hugs, promises, his love, plans for the future together, his cheating, her mistakes, his lies, all of the fights...and make it all ok again, but that doesn't happen.

Next morning she dressed for work, pulls on a dark loose sweater and a big bright smile, holds her head high and bravely walks out.

xoxo

Kat

Wake up call

Did you ever find yourself angry at the person you care about and not quit knowing how you got to that position at the first place? Did you ever said things and moment later wish you hadn't? Did you ever over dramatized the situation and gave up? Do you often look back and regret?


If you said "NO" to any of the above, you are in denial.


Its ok, take a deep breath once in a while, self assess, smile and be grateful. Be grateful for the people who tought you stuff - good and bad. Understand your mistakes but don't be to hard on yourself, we learn something every day, life is a journey, do not rush it. Embrace every second of it, embrace people who love you, embrace those who broke your heart - you never know, you might meet them again. Nothing is final, everything can be fixed, its all up to you.


Today we have higher buildings and wider highways, but shorter temperments and narrower points of view. We spend more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses, but smaller families. We have more compromises, but less time. We have more knowledge, but less judgement. We have more medicines, but less health.We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.


We talk much, we love only a little, and we hate too much.We reached the moon and came back, but we find it troublesome to cross our own street and meet our neighbors. We have conquered the outer space, but not our inner space.We have higher income, but less morals…


These are times with more freedom, but less joy… With much more food, but less nutrition…These are days in which two salaries come home, but divorces increase. These are times of finer houses, but more broken homes.


That’s why I propose that as of today -- You do not keep anything for a special occasion, because every day that you live is a special occasion.

Search for knowledge, read more, sit and admire the view in front of your house without paying attention to the needs. Pass more time with your family, eat your favorite food, visit the place you love. Life is a chain of moments of enjoyment; it isn’t only survival. Wear your best clothes. Do not save your best perfume… use it every time you feel you want it. Take out from your vocabulary phrases like, “one of these days” and “someday” and "sacrifize for the future".


Let’s write that letter we thought of writing “one of these days…” , tell people "I love you" , "I am sorry" and "Thank you".


Dream, lough, love, live....

After the storm has passed

After three weeks long NYC vacation, I could not wait to come home and rest. Almost nothing went as planned, but I have learned about myself more than ever before. I had wonderful first two weeks and not so wonderful week following my birthday.

Good thing is that I have seen some of my friends who I had such a great time with and who were such a great support through it all, I did some shopping, I have seen many art and fashion exhibitions, I baked my first apple strudel, cleaned the apartment and tried to be a role model - supportive girlfriend, I fought a little, loved a lot, cried even more, I forgave and struggled to forget. Finally, I got a taste of what I would be dealing with if I stayed in that relationship.

I learned that I can forgive and be unselfish; I learned that not all people are able to be honest and truthful - even when you give them all your love. I realized that I to have made mistakes and I will try not to repeat them in the future. I did not know how to not love him; I only learned how to not let him go. I failed to realize how two people who are a good match for each other, with so much love, mutual plans and hopes in life just could not persevere and hang in there just a little bit longer!

However, I did learn how far I would go for love - around the world and back! I also learned that I am yet to meet the man who would do the same for me.

Even though it all came tumbling down under me, all of the future plans, my hopes, all of the dreams, the expectations of our love to stay strong and survive it all, all the invested effort and all of the emotions, I can be at peace knowing that I fought so, so, so hard for that relationship to work, I stayed gentle and caring until the very end, despite lies and pain and I still worry every day - but I did my part, now this battle is not mine to fight anymore.

Lastly, I walked away stronger and with my head up high. My only worry now are all the good memories I want to keep, these I am having hard time to let go, I wonder - If I stop thinking of you, will you be gone to me forever?

I SPY: Warsaw, Poland.

May 9th


I came to Warsaw yesterday morning, I could totally live here its gorgeously European. I went to fancy 50th birthday party last night and met many amazing, young and very successful people who were radiant with class and very intelligent.


We (Ania, Ana and I) came home from clubbing at 5 am, the party was super wild, we danced all night long, ate wonderful food and drank pink champagne and wine, we socialized with young but worldly people and were catching up on stories since the last time we saw each other past Christmas in NYC, gosh I missed this kind of European people living in US.


May 10th


My ladies and I spent the whole day walking through beautiful historic parks, we tried to catch a duck (didn't happened, did you know that ducks can be super aggressive? Hmm...I didn't know until this weekend hihi) After the walk in the park we had lunch at this wonderful Thai restaurant and had a quality girl-business talk in one super trendy cafe which reminded me on Panera Bread with its choice of pastries and a homie warm feel and on a Starbucks with its selection of coffees and other warm beverages from all around the world. I had a peppermint mocha and a piece of chilly and cherry chocolate cake, I know it sounds as a weird combo but the cake was divine! I promise!







We are just getting ready for another night on the town, I am wearing my hot sequin dress to test it for my next monday performance. Did I mention that I am going to a dance class and have a dance performance next week? I probably did not. Well I am very excited about my performance. As it seems I am somewhat talented dancer ( so my dance teacher thinks and my body moves well, so she saids , read: I dont fall over my own leg hihihihi)
Tonight we decided to first go for a small supper and than to rock couple of the hottest Polish clubs.
More details tommorow...time to do my hair.


May 11th


We had so much fun last night, we went to couple of sexy,trendy clubs and had a great girls night out. First spot was an underground fancy club with arch shaped hallways and private rooms. We didn't feel like dancing among the bunch of people on the packed dance floor so some gentleman invited us to with a glass wall divided VIP room where there was a private party, which soon cleared out so we stayed with the DJ and some boys, smoking Hooka and drinking Moet and Dom Perignon, I had my Mojito. It was lovely.











May 13th


Dog status: Roko is still limping. That is what he gets for jumping on every female dog (for the lack of more appropriate expression), he should have not pick the engaged female dog LOL.


Driving status: Working with my 3rd instructor. I was wearing heels and by accident hit the table of the outdoor cafe , nobody was hurt, luckily. Not sure why driving instructor was so mad, gosh... Looks like I have to find yet another one. Lesson learned: do not drive in blue flower sandals EVER again, the heel wont stick down.
Note to myself: try white wedge Ann Klein heels tomorrow, they said it will be sunny.


Love status: Today something clicked in my head. I cried my last tier. I met somebody by accident. This guy is a real man. He is a very successful and attractive man.
I never met anybody like this. Its weird. I don't know what to think.


More in next post.


Kat

Just Life

After a sleepless night I feel tired and drained. My eyes are puffy and my face looks like a face of a five year old girl who's parents left her at the preschool for the first time and she doesn't think they will ever be back to get her, she was fighting and screaming until her face was all red but they left her in there anyways, and than she let go, and tired from struggle walked up to he huge window and just stanned there, starring at the distance, feeling the cold window glass on the tip of her nose.


When I got up to face the mirror, my eyes were big and dark, my eyelashes long and wet and my nose red. I stepped into the shower and cried some more, than I put on my black cashmere V-neck sweater, my dark skinny years and my converse sneakers, I grabbed my big black sunglasses and I-pod and just walked out. Even though it was raining the whole morning it was extremely warm for the first day of November. Headed to the bus stop I took a shortcut through the graveyard. A lot of people were there for the All Saints Day and it was hard to walk through, I lowered the volume on my Ipod. By the exit of the graveyard I saw a lady with a barely 3 year old boy lighting a candle and placing it on the grave, the little boy was standing a side reaching to touch the letters on the name board. The lady bent down to hug him and said: „Come on we are going home now, send a kiss to daddy!“ and a little boy lowered down his head and kissed the cold stone.


This is when I realized that I will be ok, that I was right, that my values are in place and that he is the one who got lost in the superficial world, searching for the wealth, fake security and perfection, living to fast to realize the chance he is missing.


This is something that happens fast, person becomes greedy and selfish, justifying his sacrifices with the higher goal in the future. While in the meantime he is turning his back to all that is real and wasting his precious time in peak years of his life. Life goes by fast, days fly like seconds, years go by in a flash and than all that is left is regret for not being there when the life was happening. Not being there to create memories. Not seeing your parents grow old, missing birthdays, funerals, babies being born, holidays, watching World Cup's with friends, all the happiness and sorrow. Not taking risks and fighting, not loving. Not having a courage to live.


All the most important decision we make which eventually shape and direct our lives are made when we are really young. Choosing the high school, college, moving abroad and adjusting to new culture, building your personality there and shaping yourself into a man/women you will be, starting a career and fighting for your status in the company,maintaining a relationships with friends at two continents, loving somebody.


All this we need to do while in the same time keeping our values and our head on our shoulders. Then, we have to make some sacrifices, which way to go, which path to take? How emotionally strong am I? What is that truly matters in my life? Am I lonely? Who are the people I can't bare to loose? Am I happy right this second? If not, why? Am I going to regret my decision later on in life? Am I taking the easy way cause I am scared to take a risk?


Ask yourself these questions and answer them truthfully, this is when you are going to know if your path is right. Look at the people around you at your work and you will see if your career is on the right path, is this the kind of person you want to become? When you come home at night and go to your bed, touch the space by you and ask youself is this who you want to sleep with forever? Pay attention to people you walk by in your neighborhood and ask yourself if these are the kind of people you want to live around and become like? Because this is what's real, this is who you are at the moment and this is the path you are taking. The person who is true to him/herself and brave enough can reroute and make that change right away. The easiest thing is to do nothing at all and stay passive observer of your own life, staying where you are, doing what you do, stay average.