What would you do for love?

Somewhat rhetorical and somewhat shabby question now isn’t it? Just like the claim: “I would never do …. this or that”and then you end up doing just that ad remember the exact moment when you said you would never.

The fact is, you just don’t know, but after you liked someone a lot or even loved (or you thought you did), you gain a certain experience and knowledge of yourself, not the other person, not the “love” as a romanticized can’t live without feeling, but you - you as a person, your own morals, your own limits and your own ability to forgive or not to forgive.

The other day, I got hurt, a lot a whole lot. I was sitting in a hotel room in a foreign country, staying in a city I don’t know with a person who I thought I knew and I was falling apart into pieces, one by one... I felt that catastrophically overwhelming pain all over my body. I was hyperventilating, my heart was beating as if it will explode any second, I was crying and shaking at the same time and I couldn’t take a deep breath from the pain in my chest. I felt as if I will faint in any second and die. In that moment it felt like dying would be a relief. This day, at that very moment, I felt like my whole world fell apart and I felt extremely lonely.

I called the same two people I always call when I feel like the only person in the whole wide world…my mum and my best friend Anita. Why them? Because my mum has experienced the world enough to know it is gray and not black or white, she has the patience, love and wisdom to advise me without imposing her own opinion or final solution for my problem.    

 While Anita is probably the most realistic and blunt person on the face of the earth who ALWAYS saids it how it is no matter how much it hurts. Also, she knows what I did before, what I will probably do and knows what to say to control my drama. Anita advised me to write down how I feel today and how much it hurts to serve me as a reminder for the future, so I did…

After couple of hours of drama, screaming, yelling, throwing stuff, crying and talking, the same question kept running through my head: “What would I do for love?” then I rewind my love life backwards trying to remember big things which I did but don’t regret doing…

-  I worked 40 hours a week for a month and saved every cent eating from vending machine to buy my first boyfriend brand new palm pilot for his graduation
- I quit my dream job in fashion and flew overseas without a plan to try to save my relationship
-  I am flying every month to stay for a week in another country to keep my long distance relationship going
-  I forgave and gave him a second chance?????

I got stuck with the last one thinking what it would take for me to do it: I would need to swallow my pride, turn the other cheek, continue to love, forgive, take a risk to fall apart again…be a bigger person then him – trust again. Since this is a new experience for me I am still not sure of what I will do and I feel like a hypocrite when I pray in these kind of situations but I did, I prayed yesterday, because I felt like no human can be so unselfish to give me an advice which will be – forgive, give a second chance.

“Often, it’s not about becoming a new person, but becoming the person you were meant to be, and already are, but don’t know how to be.”

 Heath L. Buckmaster, Box of Hair: A Fairy Tale

I'm 27 today and this is what I learned so far...

Today is my 27^th birthday, last five or six years I have spent living in several countries, continents, states and my birthday celebrations weren’t all that, so after a while I have kind of stopped celebrating my B-day all together, as there is always something more important going on, however since about 24^th birthday I tend to stop that day despite my extremely hectic and fast pace of life and look back on the year behind me.

So, what have I learned from my last birthday, or what has life confirmed to me to hold true:

Say what you feel, when you feel it, don’t assume other person knows it …as hearts are often broken by the words left unspoken.

Forgive and let go….I learned that people will hurt you as long and as often you let them and as hard as you allow it. The pain will last as long as you don’t forgive, and when you do it, then you set yourself free and you are able to move on. People almost never hurt you because they are just mean; they most often hurt you because they are scared or because they are to weak to say what is on their mind.

It's ok to be alone....There are some things in life (often some of the heardest) that you need to go through alone, where not even your friends and family can hold or talk you through it and that is ok. It is important for you to learn your own limits, to feel the pain. You need to get over it alone and grow from it and become stronger because of it. The moment when you accept yourself and learn about who you are, and love yourself, you can trully love and be there for someone else.

Appreciate what/who you have while you have it…this is one of the things I learned to do with some people. I learned to appreciate and enjoy the moment I am with someone, I learned that each day is a blessing and that sometimes there is no second chances, especially in love. Learn to recognize it, appreciate it, give it back and enjoy it while you have it, don’t take it for granted and cherish it to maintain it. True love doesn't happen often.

Don’t judge people…You don’t know their story…Judging and stereotyping a person is the easiest and the laziest thing to do. In order to give a person a chance, maybe to gain a lifelong friend, you need to listen more than you talk, do it without assuming things, judging or interfering, trying to put yourself in that persons shoes, learn to accept the person as he or she is, with all the positives and the negatives about them... and then be there for them, and let them be there for you.

Smile a lot…even when you feel down, supposedly stretching your face into a smile automatically triggers your brain to start releasing happy hormones, and smile is the only gift that is totally free and it makes a person giving it and person receiving it feels good.

Stand for something….even when you are the only one whose opinion differs, if you have facts to support it and you fully believe in it, defend it, and sell it, make it happened and make a difference. Don’t fall into routine and be satisfied with being average... take some risks when it matters.

What are some of the thighs life has taught you lovelies? Care to share?

Let me be me....

November 5th, 09'

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most: saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing, and wishing you had?

Somehow I always go with the first.

One person recently told me I always go after what I want to aggresivly. He said he feels intimidated by me and the fact is, he believes I am better than him.

How ironic I thought, this whole time I was looking just for peace, security, love and life to share and home to call my own, and somehow I ended up having to prove myself over and over again that I am good enough for him, to a person who was insecure himself. I ended up trying to make myself a women I thought he wanted and ended up loosing the real me. The whole time while listening to him talk I just wanted to scream : Let me be myself, let me be me!

I almost laughed at the irony of it all, the whole time, since the very begining I was exactly the person he always said he wanted, I am focused on family, I have my priorities straight, I do just want normal and balanced life as booring as it may sound, but I also want to keep the creative, fashionable, wacky and childish side of myself that I love! I will never be the stepford wife or a perfect mother.

I want to have a modern wedding on the beach, travel with a husband I will adore and continue to have an amazing sex life. I want to work as well and have a life outside of the house.

I will jump the pudles on the rain and play soccer with my son one day and dance around the house in balerina costume with my daughter. I will bake cookies of different color with my kids and invest every second of my life to make my children and my husband happy and my home fun,warm and safe place to be.This is all me! I can't be tailored into a motheroid or wiferoid who will obey and fullfil her husbands expectations.

Funny the way it is...you date somebody and go through many rough and many wonderful times with this person and after this longer relationship you give up and eventually you meet another person under more calm conditons, or even as a rebound. This person shows just a bit of interest, listens to you complaining and seems not to have any troubles in the world.

You don't know this person, so she/he seems somhow so light and easy to get a long with. You start dating this person, everything stays superficial and light, easy life, you think.

Than, you marry this person after short time of dating you are thinking this is it and than life hits you. Later under the different circumstances you realize that you made a mistake and there is no going back.

One day you walk down the street and see her, the women you went through good and bad, and who you loved happy with somebody else.

xoxo,

~Kat~

"We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."