What would you do for love?

Somewhat rhetorical and somewhat shabby question now isn’t it? Just like the claim: “I would never do …. this or that”and then you end up doing just that ad remember the exact moment when you said you would never.

The fact is, you just don’t know, but after you liked someone a lot or even loved (or you thought you did), you gain a certain experience and knowledge of yourself, not the other person, not the “love” as a romanticized can’t live without feeling, but you - you as a person, your own morals, your own limits and your own ability to forgive or not to forgive.

The other day, I got hurt, a lot a whole lot. I was sitting in a hotel room in a foreign country, staying in a city I don’t know with a person who I thought I knew and I was falling apart into pieces, one by one... I felt that catastrophically overwhelming pain all over my body. I was hyperventilating, my heart was beating as if it will explode any second, I was crying and shaking at the same time and I couldn’t take a deep breath from the pain in my chest. I felt as if I will faint in any second and die. In that moment it felt like dying would be a relief. This day, at that very moment, I felt like my whole world fell apart and I felt extremely lonely.

I called the same two people I always call when I feel like the only person in the whole wide world…my mum and my best friend Anita. Why them? Because my mum has experienced the world enough to know it is gray and not black or white, she has the patience, love and wisdom to advise me without imposing her own opinion or final solution for my problem.    

 While Anita is probably the most realistic and blunt person on the face of the earth who ALWAYS saids it how it is no matter how much it hurts. Also, she knows what I did before, what I will probably do and knows what to say to control my drama. Anita advised me to write down how I feel today and how much it hurts to serve me as a reminder for the future, so I did…

After couple of hours of drama, screaming, yelling, throwing stuff, crying and talking, the same question kept running through my head: “What would I do for love?” then I rewind my love life backwards trying to remember big things which I did but don’t regret doing…

-  I worked 40 hours a week for a month and saved every cent eating from vending machine to buy my first boyfriend brand new palm pilot for his graduation
- I quit my dream job in fashion and flew overseas without a plan to try to save my relationship
-  I am flying every month to stay for a week in another country to keep my long distance relationship going
-  I forgave and gave him a second chance?????

I got stuck with the last one thinking what it would take for me to do it: I would need to swallow my pride, turn the other cheek, continue to love, forgive, take a risk to fall apart again…be a bigger person then him – trust again. Since this is a new experience for me I am still not sure of what I will do and I feel like a hypocrite when I pray in these kind of situations but I did, I prayed yesterday, because I felt like no human can be so unselfish to give me an advice which will be – forgive, give a second chance.

“Often, it’s not about becoming a new person, but becoming the person you were meant to be, and already are, but don’t know how to be.”

 Heath L. Buckmaster, Box of Hair: A Fairy Tale