Talk to me baby...

Real communication can help us prevent all that frustration,

So let’s skip all that accusations and created irritations,

Let’s focus on US and building our relation.

If there will be taboos, hiding things will just make us bruise.

The point of love is to share good and the bad,

Being honest will never make anyone sad.

If we think this can be love,

If we feel that we fit like a hand and a glove,

We can make it for sure,

If we stay together, together we’ll endure.

And...all of that distance...

 can surely be beaten by our emotions and our persistence.

El hogar es donde esta el corazon....

The worst thing about going away 

is fighting every little piece of me which just wants to stay.

The hardest thing to do 

is leaving without being sure that giving my all is good enough for you.

The worst thing is the day before, 
when sadness silently floats around the room, 

next morning you come home to an empty house and can still smell around what's left of my perfume.

All the feelings which are left unsaid 

keep spinning around in different forms in my head.

While I am walking towards the plane 

trying to silence my heart and listen to my brain...

...I kind of wonder where is home?

….with you where my heart is …or there where I’m from….

I'm 27 today and this is what I learned so far...

Today is my 27^th birthday, last five or six years I have spent living in several countries, continents, states and my birthday celebrations weren’t all that, so after a while I have kind of stopped celebrating my B-day all together, as there is always something more important going on, however since about 24^th birthday I tend to stop that day despite my extremely hectic and fast pace of life and look back on the year behind me.

So, what have I learned from my last birthday, or what has life confirmed to me to hold true:

Say what you feel, when you feel it, don’t assume other person knows it …as hearts are often broken by the words left unspoken.

Forgive and let go….I learned that people will hurt you as long and as often you let them and as hard as you allow it. The pain will last as long as you don’t forgive, and when you do it, then you set yourself free and you are able to move on. People almost never hurt you because they are just mean; they most often hurt you because they are scared or because they are to weak to say what is on their mind.

It's ok to be alone....There are some things in life (often some of the heardest) that you need to go through alone, where not even your friends and family can hold or talk you through it and that is ok. It is important for you to learn your own limits, to feel the pain. You need to get over it alone and grow from it and become stronger because of it. The moment when you accept yourself and learn about who you are, and love yourself, you can trully love and be there for someone else.

Appreciate what/who you have while you have it…this is one of the things I learned to do with some people. I learned to appreciate and enjoy the moment I am with someone, I learned that each day is a blessing and that sometimes there is no second chances, especially in love. Learn to recognize it, appreciate it, give it back and enjoy it while you have it, don’t take it for granted and cherish it to maintain it. True love doesn't happen often.

Don’t judge people…You don’t know their story…Judging and stereotyping a person is the easiest and the laziest thing to do. In order to give a person a chance, maybe to gain a lifelong friend, you need to listen more than you talk, do it without assuming things, judging or interfering, trying to put yourself in that persons shoes, learn to accept the person as he or she is, with all the positives and the negatives about them... and then be there for them, and let them be there for you.

Smile a lot…even when you feel down, supposedly stretching your face into a smile automatically triggers your brain to start releasing happy hormones, and smile is the only gift that is totally free and it makes a person giving it and person receiving it feels good.

Stand for something….even when you are the only one whose opinion differs, if you have facts to support it and you fully believe in it, defend it, and sell it, make it happened and make a difference. Don’t fall into routine and be satisfied with being average... take some risks when it matters.

What are some of the thighs life has taught you lovelies? Care to share?

Poke.Poke.Auch!

Lately, I didn't feel like writing much,

Until you came around and I felt your gentle touch.

It all happened so dream like and fast,

Nothing like this ever happened in the past.

At the same time I feel butterflies and fear,

I wanted to run away but you kept me near.

Poke.Poke.Ouch!

You flew over to stay and didn't sleep on the couch.

Chemistry created that magical feeling, 

the nights were long, hearts started healing.

With you I feel safe and protected, 

cared for and fully respected.

No matter if this ends up to be good or bad,

Thank you for the magical times we just had.

After the storm

After the warm nights, fun days and many smiles,

After all the kisses, lunches together and funny rymes.

After the stupid ant and elephant jokes,

after the movie nights and many facebook pokes.

After you opened up to me,

we made plans and built the trust,

Here came the storm and

made all these dreams into a dust.

It came from nowhere, strong and cruel,

I didn't know you gave it a fuel.

I put my guard down, gave you my heart and my all

and expected you would be a man and stand tall.

You made your choice and left without a trace,

seems like your critics had a point when they said you don't deserve that real chance.

We made music together.

I got your letter and I was sad,

You wrote it cause of her and that made me mad,

I fell in love, and that was my only bad.

The words you used were hurtful and lame,

there was nothing for what you took the blame.

I am never aggresive, just young and naive,

I was always honest to you and my intention was never to decieve.

You can write all you want to make yourself believe,

all of our friends have noticed the emotion,

so go ahead and act like you have this new "devotion".

 After all, I don't regret a thing, 

everybody knew it wasn't just a fling.

We looked good together, it lasted long,

we both knew, something would soon go wrong.

I wish you all the best, whatever you choose to do,

just remember that for Tango - it takes two.

After so many years of lies - sometimes love dies, 

but I guess when there is cash in question - it somehow multiplies.

 Together we had fun times, wrote music and spoke in rhymes.

I jumped in it free and with an open heart, 

I just wanted to see you happy ...

so I don't feel like a victim and I am ready for a new start. 

"Zbogom."

CRY

I usually write my own lyrics...but these are straight on the point...with what happened...

Shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice...

I'm not the type to get my heart broken

I'm not the type to get upset and cry

'cause I never leave my heart open

Never hurts me to say goodbye

Relationships don't get deep to me

Never got the whole in love thing

And someone can say they love me truly

But at the time it didn't mean a thing

My mind is gone, I'm spinning round

And deep inside, my tears I'll drown

I'm losing grip, what's happening

I stray from love, this is how I feel

This time was different

Felt like, I was just a victim

And it cut me like a knife

When you walked out of my life

Now I'm, in this condition

And I've, got all the symptoms

Of a girl with a broken heart

But no matter what you'll never see me cry

Did it happen when we first kissed?

'cause it's hurting me to let it go

Maybe 'cause we spent so much time

And I know that it's no more

I should've never let you hold me baby

Maybe why I'm sad to see us apart

I didn't give to you on purpose

Can't figure out how you stole my heart

How did I get here with you, I'll never know?

I never meant to let it get so, personal

And after all I tried to do, to stay away from loving you

I'm broken heart and I can't let you know

And I won't let it show

You won't see me cry 

All my life...

  

by Rihanna

Your loss.

I got beaten by a pro, but how could I know?

That everything he did, wasn't what he stood for.

Every smile and every joke, now seem so fake,

I knew what I was up against, I knew what was at stake,

the same as you should know now, what decision to make.


Give me a reason to stay, show me you care, 
or go back to same lies and brake all our ties.


I know its hard to fix things, but when you finally dare,
after all you are now putting me through - I might no longer be there.

Love loan

Recently I had one of those phone calls with a girlfriend when she called and she was in pain, and I knew this pain very well, so well that my throat started choking with every new sentance she said. 

    In this situation you just want to help her any way possible and than you transform into this most reasonable, most rational "Psychiatrist know it all", who just waits for her to take a break to cry or to breath and you go back and rationalize every chunk of the story she said so far...and that's how it goes...for hours...and than you kind of always conclude with a cheesy joke from the past only you two share. 

      You remind her how fabulous she is, how she is better off without him, how you didn't like him anyways and how they were never really good as a couple, and finally you conclude the conversation with a cliche bullshit like "time will heal all the wounds" or "there is someone else out there, who is just perfect and waiting for you"...Right, and he is on the horse.

Why the hell do we women do this? Why do we put so much presure on ourselves and overanalize?

Why do we give LOVE LOAN to men, with no credit check, with no interest rate and prolonged payment period - forever. Are we just some LOVE ATMs with totally secured credit cards and endless limit? After so much witdrawals, are we LOVE broke by the time the right one comes along?

I wanted to tell him I was afraid he could never love me the way I wanted to be loved. 

I was afraid that maybe he didn't have the capacity to love anyone but himself. 

I was afraid that, given the chance, he'd break my heart again. 

But I cheated and just said 'I guess I was afraid.'

The Guard

     

   I promise. I did.

I tried real hard, to keep up my guard.

I am not sure how it happened so fast, or how long it will last.

I am not sure if you feel the same, or your just having fun

and playing the game.

I wasn't sure, so I tried to move on.

It didn't work, he lost and you won.

I didn't want to admit it, but I know its true,

he likes me and I like you.

Whenever you call or ring the door,

My heart beats fast and I like you even more.

I run to open and hug you real hard

and there it goes again, you broke my guard.

Love is not a game.

We both knew it would be impossible or hard, 

but we managed to loose our guard.

Every day together feels like a gift, 

we are happy and our minds often drift.

We forget about what reality brings,

 and our dreams yet again grow bigger wings.

With you time goes by so fast,

You make me happy, sadness is a matter of the past.

You repeat the same jokes, sometimes they are stupid,

I still laugh, guess I got hit by a cupid.

Meat or pasta, you really like my cooking,

above all you like the way I'm looking.

We talk for hours, its our favorite thing,

it triggered a warning , this thing is not just another fling.

I really enjoy listening to you speak,

you are so strong, and have a great physique.

The most important is that I feel protected, 

cared about and always well respected.

But than again reality comes knocking, 

love is not a GAME, 

with heartbreak there is no joking.

Ever since the day we met,

 I really feel safe and emotionally SET,

No matter what happends next,

 I wanna be your friend, there will be no regrets.

Just please don't play a truth or dare,

you know I have feelings for you, you know that I care.

Love is sometimes passionate and cruel, 

for some its a suffer, for some its a jewel.

There is no cheating, no bluff allowed, 

everyone finds their MATCH, the rule saids: speak the truth and stay proud.

But than again, love is a matter of heart,

cupid threw his erow, it shows love where to start.

H.N.S.

Love-pacer

Since my last post I have been thinking and researching a very complex matter of heart. I conducted my research on a fair sample of my closest girlfriends and myself.

Now after weeks of listening to their stories and living my own, sitting here in my soft pink cow pattern bath rope, I feel ready to share it with all of you guys.

As most women do, after we finished discussing current economic situation, current fashion trends, each others office gossips or mutual acquaintances' "Ouu my Gosh did you hear...." stories, we did our personal love situation reviews in a clockwise manner around the McCafé table.

We were talking about how it often happens that a girl loses herself in a lovey-dovey-kissy-smoochy kind of a way when in love. One gets emotional and slowly but surely men feel like they can get away with almost anything.

So, while she is floating on her soft and cozy cloud nine without a seatbelt or a parachute for emergencies, he is piloting her sky with his manly guard, flirty cool attitude, parachute on his back, goggles on, extra air supply beside him and with a firm grip on the steering wheel, taking her higher and higher.

All through this "flight" she never thinks he would let her fall. He would never do anything to hurt her- he always used to say, but he eventually does. Sometimes he gets carried away piloting this plane, drives a bit to fast and drops her by accident. Than he flies back down real fast and catches her before she hits the ground, apologizing and promising he will never ever do it again.

She gets back on her cloud, this time she holds it a little tighter, but as the time goes she relaxes, loosens her grip and she is floating once again. Than, it happens that he drops her and she hits the floor real hard, it is painful and her heart is completely broken.

Now, I am not going to act as a firm feminist and say women should always be a pilot of their own planes, nor that she needs to be sneaky and get him before he gets her.

I was just thinking how nice it would be if there was some kind of a heart-love-pacer machine...like a little gadget you buy for $59.99 in pharmacy and place on your chest. Let’s call it a Love-pacer.

This gadget would pace your feelings towards a person you get to like. So you could turn it on and enter the data of the guy you fancy. You could enter the start date and on the need basis - the end date (this applies to summer romances, when you know he will go back to his country and probably never return).

It would be great if it could be adjusted accordingly as you are getting to know the guy, you know? Just like a +/- list many women make when still not sure if a guy is a dating material or not, but much more sophisticated with wires and all.

So let’s say he treats you right, he is honest and loving - you turn your Love -pacer to 40% - so you feel ok to return same feelings to him.

Let’s say you are suspecting he could be a player, than you make him work and prove himself otherwise, but play it safe and keep the Love-pacer to safe 15%.

If after a steadily growth, you allow yourself to get to 90% and decide to marry a guy, go ahead turn it to a big double zero -100%, but remember - never, ever, ever take the Love-pacer off.

Ohh..I wish such a thing existed...I know it seems so not romantic and cowardly.What is a great love story without some pain, suffering and broken heart? One would say.

It is an entertainment. Until it happens to you.

                                                                       xoxo,

I SPY: Warsaw, Poland.

May 9th


I came to Warsaw yesterday morning, I could totally live here its gorgeously European. I went to fancy 50th birthday party last night and met many amazing, young and very successful people who were radiant with class and very intelligent.


We (Ania, Ana and I) came home from clubbing at 5 am, the party was super wild, we danced all night long, ate wonderful food and drank pink champagne and wine, we socialized with young but worldly people and were catching up on stories since the last time we saw each other past Christmas in NYC, gosh I missed this kind of European people living in US.


May 10th


My ladies and I spent the whole day walking through beautiful historic parks, we tried to catch a duck (didn't happened, did you know that ducks can be super aggressive? Hmm...I didn't know until this weekend hihi) After the walk in the park we had lunch at this wonderful Thai restaurant and had a quality girl-business talk in one super trendy cafe which reminded me on Panera Bread with its choice of pastries and a homie warm feel and on a Starbucks with its selection of coffees and other warm beverages from all around the world. I had a peppermint mocha and a piece of chilly and cherry chocolate cake, I know it sounds as a weird combo but the cake was divine! I promise!







We are just getting ready for another night on the town, I am wearing my hot sequin dress to test it for my next monday performance. Did I mention that I am going to a dance class and have a dance performance next week? I probably did not. Well I am very excited about my performance. As it seems I am somewhat talented dancer ( so my dance teacher thinks and my body moves well, so she saids , read: I dont fall over my own leg hihihihi)
Tonight we decided to first go for a small supper and than to rock couple of the hottest Polish clubs.
More details tommorow...time to do my hair.


May 11th


We had so much fun last night, we went to couple of sexy,trendy clubs and had a great girls night out. First spot was an underground fancy club with arch shaped hallways and private rooms. We didn't feel like dancing among the bunch of people on the packed dance floor so some gentleman invited us to with a glass wall divided VIP room where there was a private party, which soon cleared out so we stayed with the DJ and some boys, smoking Hooka and drinking Moet and Dom Perignon, I had my Mojito. It was lovely.











May 13th


Dog status: Roko is still limping. That is what he gets for jumping on every female dog (for the lack of more appropriate expression), he should have not pick the engaged female dog LOL.


Driving status: Working with my 3rd instructor. I was wearing heels and by accident hit the table of the outdoor cafe , nobody was hurt, luckily. Not sure why driving instructor was so mad, gosh... Looks like I have to find yet another one. Lesson learned: do not drive in blue flower sandals EVER again, the heel wont stick down.
Note to myself: try white wedge Ann Klein heels tomorrow, they said it will be sunny.


Love status: Today something clicked in my head. I cried my last tier. I met somebody by accident. This guy is a real man. He is a very successful and attractive man.
I never met anybody like this. Its weird. I don't know what to think.


More in next post.


Kat

Letting Go

" If you love somebody and he doesn't love you back, just love the fact that he is somewhere, with someone , and that he is happy. "

I think I'll have to do just that. I am so so tired of fighting for something that doesn't seem to exist any longer, I am moving on with whatever pride I have left after a long and paintful fight, full of scars, moving on.

Everybody saids I should move on, give other guy a chance, that I deserve much better. This time I shall listen.

I took my neckless of today, for the first time in 5 months. Soulmates,ha? Nothing will pull us apart?

~You were clear today. Thank you.

Kat

Long time no blog

Long time no blog dear all! This has certainly been a long emotionally and physically draining a month and so...work, work, work and more work, but a meaningful one, I am learning quit a lot. I am actually taking a little trip to the City for the Xmass holidays, I am really going to visit my long distance boyfriend and I am extremely excited and even more scared about how I am going to feel, how brave I am going to be and if I will finally have a face to face, truth and nothing but the truth conversation with him, look at his eyes and instantly know if it will be happily ever after or a final goodbye.


I am praying and wishing for the first option to be true.The other day I finally received the rest of my winter clothes which my beautiful brazilian friend sent to me back from states, God bless her! I was so excited not to go to work in semi-spring clothes and to finally feel warm and dressed up in my last season (but very timeless and chic) skirts, dresses and hats.


I was not as excited to find out that the pantyhose I put on, had a tinny but noticeable hole on it. I noticed it right when I came down the stairs and put my coat on, I was locking the doors and I looked down, that's when I saw it.
Now, of course I could theoretically go back in and put on a new pair, but I didn't. I kept walking and had them on the whole day, pulling them and trying to make that inperfection invisible.


Now, my dear ladies, don't we all sometimes do it. Knowing something is less than perfect, flawed, broken, torn and visible, we still let it be, deceiving ourselves that it might just disappear, vanish, be gone...and nobody but us could ever possibly notice it? This is something that I realized I might be doing with my relationship sometimes. Knowing that it needs some repair, having some decisions waiting to be made, and just letting it be, hoping it will fix itself or somehow disappear, that he will miss me and come back.


Well, unfortunately, in this case a little bit of see-through nail polish just will not cut it. This is one thing I hope to do in New York, finally fix my pantyhoe.


xoxo,


Kat

The One

Today is a holiday in Croatia, it is the day when we celebrate the dead, visit their graves, light candles and bring fresh flowers. I lost a lot of people in my life way to early, they died. Yesterday I lost another person, I think I lost him a while ago but just found out yesterday. I lost my boyfriend.


After waiting and waiting, loving and hoping he gave up on us, just like that, the investment was not worth of return, or no ROI (for those of you who measure everything in life in $ value). Now, I am sad, mad, disappointed, hurt, feel rejected and in pain, I am crying randomly and feel lost. I feel like he abandoned me. My heart is broken. With all that being sad one would expect me to now trash him and explain what a lousy and cowardly person he is, low values, no heart, that he is nobody. However, I can't and don't want to do that. That would not be true. He is none of those things and I still love him endlessly.


Talking to my true friends who stayed with me through everything I realized some things about myself and the relationship I had. I am not a quitter, I am very romantic and believe in love and fighting for it, I am probably living in the wrong age. Love and passion are included in all of what I do. My work, my relationship with friends, family and most importantly in my romantic relationship. I fight and love passionately.


High drama? Maybe, but it is a lot of fun and also very painful to live like that, but guess what, you feel alive and you do live to the fullest! Most importantly, you can always look at everybody's face and never feel ashamed cause at all times you gave your all!


I refuse to take the easy way out and just give up but I do believe in letting go. A very smart person once said: „Let go what you love the most, set it free, if it comes back than it is yours forever and if it doesn't than you never really had it“ .
This time I did let him go because I believe that I deserve to be with somebody who is a good passionate man with strong values, somebody confident and brave, with goals in life which are not measured in $ or Ł but in accomplishments, memories and emotions. And he, he needs to find out who he really is and what he really wants, and maybe once he will even realize who he had and lost.


And me? What's going to happen with me? I am not sure. I know I can jump on the next chance with a man willing to be my shoulder to cry on tomorrow if I wanted to. But after this relationship, which I thought to be my last one, I have to many pieces to gather and feel as if I will be busy with that for a long time.


There are to many memories, silly things that remind me of him: his jeans by my bed, a package of little presents I put together to sent to him, a calendar where I was counting the days until I go to NY for Christmas and finally see him, the travel papers and passport, our song on my Ipod, the bracelet he got me and the picture of us on my laptop.
While the worse are the memories in my head which are impossible to put in the box and push to the bottom of the closet. Our first Christmas together, our „official“ anniversary on the New Years Eve, the cruise around Manhattan, stupid thing he said when he first kissed me, watching movies and being lazy on the beach, the Valentines day with rose petals and candles, dinners in the City, waiting for him for hours to come from work and sleeping on his chest, talking and drawing to each other on the webcam for hours at night, talking about our future, our apartment and having babies, this will all be hard to let go and forget.


If I ever do find a man who will be strong enough not to feel intimidated by me, who knows how to and is not afraid to deal with all the challenges which relationship and life bring, I know I will be able to give my all to him, and hope he would take my bruised up heart.


Kat :(