27th October,2009.
There is this girl I know. Smart girl, emotional girl, successful girl,naive girl. Sad girl. Pregnant girl.
Recently this girl has found out she was five weeks pregnant just after a relationship break up.
First she was panicking,didn't sleep for days, she felt scared and hopeless, wasn't sure if and how to break the news to her ex. Than after screaming: "You liar!" at the 4th clear blue line positive pregnancy test, she went to see a doctor and had an ultrasound where doctor showed her this little peanut creature, at first she said she couldn't even find it on the screen so doctor had to circle him on the paper.
Now it is not such a little peanut anymore and is slowly but surly growing, has fingers and toes and all.
The doctor advised her to break the news to the father. She was gathering the courage to do it for days, and finally did it. At first he thought it was all a joke, first he was shocked, than scared, than a bit positive and than finally insulting and selfish, negative and hateful.He was mostly consumed with himself and about what will others say about it all, he did not ask her if she is ok, if she is scared, if she needs something.
Lastly, he called her to tell her he doesn't love her, to tell her he wants' to forget it all and move on with a new women who can "make him happy".
In the meantime she didn't tell a soul about it, two of us, her best friends know about the baby and are trying to be there for her as much as possible, and we know although every day she puts her brave smile on and keeps going, she is shaking inside.
On her way to the clinic, rushing from work she takes couple of deep breaths and right in front of the door before she walks in, she forces herself to stretch a big smile over her face and cheerfully saids hi to the receptionist.
Every time she goes to this fancy clinic, she sees couples excitedly holding hands, some fighting about the name or baby room color, some are visibly scared and sitting a chair apart...but they are all in couples, nobody looking perfectly happy or ready, but still they are all there together.
And than there is she. Sitting alone with the right hand instinctively on her stomach protecting the baby - as if she is telling him, hang in there little one, we will be ok.
The doctor is not making it easier on her either asking all these questions "Ouuuu this is going to be a gorgeous baby...real fighter, daddy is probably really excited! How come he did not came here with you?" and than the girl lies and saids: "He is just real busy, working and traveling a lot,has big career! He is really excited! Can't wait!"
By the end of the ultrasound, she feels the need for some fresh air...she dresses real quick keeps her smile while the elevator door closes and than breaks down and cries all the way home. She just needs a hug and somebody to tell her she is not alone and that everything is going to be alright.
The girl comes home...showers for hours thinking water will wash out all of the memories of him, all of his kisses, hugs, promises, his love, plans for the future together, his cheating, her mistakes, his lies, all of the fights...and make it all ok again, but that doesn't happen.
Next morning she dressed for work, pulls on a dark loose sweater and a big bright smile, holds her head high and bravely walks out.
xoxo
Kat
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