Anybody like nobody

Shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice.

I really believed that once I put myself out there, explore my options and have some fun, I will forgive and forget, move on and be happier. Now, I have mostly forgotten, there are options, but I got disappointed in so many ways.


 Let me explain, since I fell in love with Mr. Perfect - the love of my life, who during last year and a half or so became more of a "guy who is not realizing that he lost me forever" - Mr. Only a Banker.




I have finally given into the other guys, who I ignored for the past couple of years because I was Ouu so in love with Mr. Only a Banker now. There were three guys who I gave some attention - so I decided to do a sort of a research, date them all for a while to see who will try the hardest and eventually maybe even make me believe in love again. Boy was I wrong.


There was a Mr. Cool Guy. At first I liked this guy the most because he seemed smart, with good head on his shoulders, athletic and good looking, he cared about his friends and family a lot and seemed to be a gentleman which totally won me over. I have started to genuinely care about him, but than once we got to know each other better - he slowly revealed his primitive side. He was only interested in one thing, he seemed intimidated with my independence and his ego started to hurt. ELIMINATED.

 Next, there is Mr. Athlete. Mr. Athlete is a special of the three. It all started very casually and friendly. I have never taken him seriously as he is traveling a lot, could not trust anything he said because he gave the impression that women are objects for him and that he picks/buys them like I would pair of shoes - but with much less consideration, focusing only on visual appeal. However, as I got to know him better, I realized this is just a mask he is wearing to protect himself from being used. He is very talented and artistic in more than just his sport. He is very fun to be around, down to earth and emotional, although he is trying to play it cool. One huge thing that goes against him is that he is not trying to get to know me at all other than physically, he is not reliable, and I have started to miss him and care for him to much. PENDING ELIMINATION.


The last but not the least is Mr. Nice Guy. He is the one who I was curious about the most as we both got out of bad relationships and we both were and are scared to get emotional. Mr. Nice Guy is good looking, ambitious with what he does and very calm, really genuinely a nice guy. There was a lot of chemistry between us at first. Than I was indecisive between the three. I felt like he is also multiple dating, so it kind of watered down. We started to see each other more often now so we will see, lately he has shown me a lot of his qualities but there are still some doubts in my head as I am still unclear of what is exactly that I want. TBD.

 I realize that I might be looking for a lot, but I really believe that there is ONE guy who is ambitious, good looking, creative and confident enough not be intimidated by my independence and who will except me as I am - with all my drama, everything I do and don't do, my passions and my fears.


Because dating just anybody is like dating nobody and I want HIM to be somebody.


Xoxo,
          ~Kat~

" Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the common place, the slaves of the ordinary."

~Cecil Beaton~

Just Life

After a sleepless night I feel tired and drained. My eyes are puffy and my face looks like a face of a five year old girl who's parents left her at the preschool for the first time and she doesn't think they will ever be back to get her, she was fighting and screaming until her face was all red but they left her in there anyways, and than she let go, and tired from struggle walked up to he huge window and just stanned there, starring at the distance, feeling the cold window glass on the tip of her nose.


When I got up to face the mirror, my eyes were big and dark, my eyelashes long and wet and my nose red. I stepped into the shower and cried some more, than I put on my black cashmere V-neck sweater, my dark skinny years and my converse sneakers, I grabbed my big black sunglasses and I-pod and just walked out. Even though it was raining the whole morning it was extremely warm for the first day of November. Headed to the bus stop I took a shortcut through the graveyard. A lot of people were there for the All Saints Day and it was hard to walk through, I lowered the volume on my Ipod. By the exit of the graveyard I saw a lady with a barely 3 year old boy lighting a candle and placing it on the grave, the little boy was standing a side reaching to touch the letters on the name board. The lady bent down to hug him and said: „Come on we are going home now, send a kiss to daddy!“ and a little boy lowered down his head and kissed the cold stone.


This is when I realized that I will be ok, that I was right, that my values are in place and that he is the one who got lost in the superficial world, searching for the wealth, fake security and perfection, living to fast to realize the chance he is missing.


This is something that happens fast, person becomes greedy and selfish, justifying his sacrifices with the higher goal in the future. While in the meantime he is turning his back to all that is real and wasting his precious time in peak years of his life. Life goes by fast, days fly like seconds, years go by in a flash and than all that is left is regret for not being there when the life was happening. Not being there to create memories. Not seeing your parents grow old, missing birthdays, funerals, babies being born, holidays, watching World Cup's with friends, all the happiness and sorrow. Not taking risks and fighting, not loving. Not having a courage to live.


All the most important decision we make which eventually shape and direct our lives are made when we are really young. Choosing the high school, college, moving abroad and adjusting to new culture, building your personality there and shaping yourself into a man/women you will be, starting a career and fighting for your status in the company,maintaining a relationships with friends at two continents, loving somebody.


All this we need to do while in the same time keeping our values and our head on our shoulders. Then, we have to make some sacrifices, which way to go, which path to take? How emotionally strong am I? What is that truly matters in my life? Am I lonely? Who are the people I can't bare to loose? Am I happy right this second? If not, why? Am I going to regret my decision later on in life? Am I taking the easy way cause I am scared to take a risk?


Ask yourself these questions and answer them truthfully, this is when you are going to know if your path is right. Look at the people around you at your work and you will see if your career is on the right path, is this the kind of person you want to become? When you come home at night and go to your bed, touch the space by you and ask youself is this who you want to sleep with forever? Pay attention to people you walk by in your neighborhood and ask yourself if these are the kind of people you want to live around and become like? Because this is what's real, this is who you are at the moment and this is the path you are taking. The person who is true to him/herself and brave enough can reroute and make that change right away. The easiest thing is to do nothing at all and stay passive observer of your own life, staying where you are, doing what you do, stay average.