Let me be me....

November 5th, 09'

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most: saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing, and wishing you had?

Somehow I always go with the first.

One person recently told me I always go after what I want to aggresivly. He said he feels intimidated by me and the fact is, he believes I am better than him.

How ironic I thought, this whole time I was looking just for peace, security, love and life to share and home to call my own, and somehow I ended up having to prove myself over and over again that I am good enough for him, to a person who was insecure himself. I ended up trying to make myself a women I thought he wanted and ended up loosing the real me. The whole time while listening to him talk I just wanted to scream : Let me be myself, let me be me!

I almost laughed at the irony of it all, the whole time, since the very begining I was exactly the person he always said he wanted, I am focused on family, I have my priorities straight, I do just want normal and balanced life as booring as it may sound, but I also want to keep the creative, fashionable, wacky and childish side of myself that I love! I will never be the stepford wife or a perfect mother.

I want to have a modern wedding on the beach, travel with a husband I will adore and continue to have an amazing sex life. I want to work as well and have a life outside of the house.

I will jump the pudles on the rain and play soccer with my son one day and dance around the house in balerina costume with my daughter. I will bake cookies of different color with my kids and invest every second of my life to make my children and my husband happy and my home fun,warm and safe place to be.This is all me! I can't be tailored into a motheroid or wiferoid who will obey and fullfil her husbands expectations.

Funny the way it is...you date somebody and go through many rough and many wonderful times with this person and after this longer relationship you give up and eventually you meet another person under more calm conditons, or even as a rebound. This person shows just a bit of interest, listens to you complaining and seems not to have any troubles in the world.

You don't know this person, so she/he seems somhow so light and easy to get a long with. You start dating this person, everything stays superficial and light, easy life, you think.

Than, you marry this person after short time of dating you are thinking this is it and than life hits you. Later under the different circumstances you realize that you made a mistake and there is no going back.

One day you walk down the street and see her, the women you went through good and bad, and who you loved happy with somebody else.

xoxo,

~Kat~

"We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."