Running in new heels.

"Another Sunrise, Another New Beginning."

 Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Tomorrow is my move out day. I am lying on the bed with Papi's head on my knees, he looks a bit sad as if he know that everything is about to change for us. I have laptop in my lap and tasteless oatmeal are cooling off on my nightstand, I ran out of sugar and who buys brand new pack of sugar a day before moving out of the apartment. In the background there is an old episode of Sex & the City on TV, the one where Carrie is breaking up with Aidane because she is not ready to get married.

I didn't have a feeling of moving out until I started taking of the pictures of the walls, looking at the empty walls made me realize that I am actually leaving this place. Without my New York street art photos and my friends and boyfriend photos this place turned from being a home to just some apartment I am moving out of.

For the last couple of days my friends have been calling me to make sure we still see each other at least for a coffee before I leave, they were asking me mostly the same couple of question in regards to my move to a new country: “How did I decide to take such a big step?”, “Am I scared?” and “How do I feel about it?”

In order to please their sincere curiosity and excitement of my girls I tried to tell them about as many technical details of my move while I was at the same time repeating their questions in my head, unsure myself of what to respond. The only word that was coming to my mind was – ready. I feel ready.

I am really not worried about not being able to adapt and function in a new environment, I feel like I graduated with various survival techniques while I was studying, working and living in NYC where nobody really cares to much about how you feel....so...“since I made it here I can make it anywhere.“

Do you know that feeling when after a long night of clubbing in high heels and tight dress somewhere around 4-5 am in the morning you step into a cab or car and you take of these shoes and wiggle your toes a bit, what a great feeling right? But once the car stops you need to put those same shoes back on to walk up to the apartment and now they are to tight for your swollen feet and then it hurts, it hurts a whole lot.

This is how I feel now, I feel like it's time for me to move on, it was fun, but these shoes have become to tight. It's now time for me to get a new pair, maybe with higher thinner heel. I am sure that at the very beginning they might hurt a bit, I may have to learn to balance in them, but I am sure that soon, I will learn how to run in my new heels.

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

A girl with a baggage moving on...

This morning I woke up with my new heels on. Looks like I am back to being  my old self again after a long time! 

I am taking some risks and moving on (in the full meaning of the word). Night before yesterday I went out again with this guy, who is so not good for me, but he is sucha freakin' adorable, artistic hottie with a great body that I can't make myself stop. We started kissing at this random place and two peeping weirdos were looking at us the whole time. 

     Thankfully I haven't been the first to notice them but he did and he was terrified...hahaha...I was dying laughing although I bet I wouldn't sleep for days if I saw their psycho faces myself. Hanging out with him is really fun, we are like some two rebellious teenagers getting in trouble all the time.

I really need a reality check asap ( Note to myself: DON'T fall for him).

 I have been trying to break into these peep toe high heel brown booties and I wore them all day yesterday while packing and cleaning the house all day. Mission completed. I hope they won't bother me next week while on business trip.

Lately I have been overloaded and haven't been in a blog writing mood. With all the emotional and other big changes in my life I couldn't get myself to start writing. 

    Today, some things are more clear and I am really excited :) If everything goes well I am moving into my new apartment this Friday . Cross your fingers for me so everything goes well!


I am dedicating this post to going back to my old self again, taking risks, following my heart and having fun while at it!

           ...and here are some marvelous editorials for inspiration....

Xoxo,

     La Kat

"You can do anything, you just have to dress for it".

~Edith Head~

Lesson learned...

Today I remembered a girl I wrote a post about several months ago. She was tough from the outside but scared and alone from the inside. 

She still had her childish naiveness about her than, the goofiness and that naughty smile - although it was overpowered at a time with fear and loneliness of the situation she was in which went from excitement to fear, and than back to greatest happiness and love, and then back to the worst kind of pain and a heartbreak. 

This girl was a tough cookie, used to do all sorts of stupid things like: wrote love notes on post-its and sprinkled rose petals for a romantic evening, she worked hard and kept smile on her face all the time, loved to joke around and race down the street in heels, sang under the shower and walked around like a crazy person in the morning, more than anything else - she believed in true love and honesty, she put her 100% in it. But it wasn't enough.

I don't remember the last time I saw her. I heard she is doing really well. She still works a lot. She is still strong. There is a great looking guy who likes her and she just goes with a flow, maybe she gets married...without giving her heart in it. There is another guy who she likes - who is definitely a heartbreak potential. 


 If you look at her closely these days, you might notice that naughty spark in her smile once in a while, although she doesn't smile much anymore and is scared to ever take that chance again.
       
She gave up on believing in love, I guess this is the time of growing up when you realize that painful fact that relationships and marriage are just norms and expectations of the society and have nothing to do with lifetime long love and faithfulness. Just like you painfully realize that Santa never really existed and that when somebody dies, you will never see that person again. 


Hopefully...maybe...some day...somebody....
                                                          ...will prove her wrong...and she will be her kooky self again. 


Xoxo,


Kat

" I don't hate you. I am just disappointed you turned into everything you said you'd never be." 

Let me be me....

November 5th, 09'

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most: saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing, and wishing you had?

Somehow I always go with the first.

One person recently told me I always go after what I want to aggresivly. He said he feels intimidated by me and the fact is, he believes I am better than him.

How ironic I thought, this whole time I was looking just for peace, security, love and life to share and home to call my own, and somehow I ended up having to prove myself over and over again that I am good enough for him, to a person who was insecure himself. I ended up trying to make myself a women I thought he wanted and ended up loosing the real me. The whole time while listening to him talk I just wanted to scream : Let me be myself, let me be me!

I almost laughed at the irony of it all, the whole time, since the very begining I was exactly the person he always said he wanted, I am focused on family, I have my priorities straight, I do just want normal and balanced life as booring as it may sound, but I also want to keep the creative, fashionable, wacky and childish side of myself that I love! I will never be the stepford wife or a perfect mother.

I want to have a modern wedding on the beach, travel with a husband I will adore and continue to have an amazing sex life. I want to work as well and have a life outside of the house.

I will jump the pudles on the rain and play soccer with my son one day and dance around the house in balerina costume with my daughter. I will bake cookies of different color with my kids and invest every second of my life to make my children and my husband happy and my home fun,warm and safe place to be.This is all me! I can't be tailored into a motheroid or wiferoid who will obey and fullfil her husbands expectations.

Funny the way it is...you date somebody and go through many rough and many wonderful times with this person and after this longer relationship you give up and eventually you meet another person under more calm conditons, or even as a rebound. This person shows just a bit of interest, listens to you complaining and seems not to have any troubles in the world.

You don't know this person, so she/he seems somhow so light and easy to get a long with. You start dating this person, everything stays superficial and light, easy life, you think.

Than, you marry this person after short time of dating you are thinking this is it and than life hits you. Later under the different circumstances you realize that you made a mistake and there is no going back.

One day you walk down the street and see her, the women you went through good and bad, and who you loved happy with somebody else.

xoxo,

~Kat~

"We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."