Just Life

After a sleepless night I feel tired and drained. My eyes are puffy and my face looks like a face of a five year old girl who's parents left her at the preschool for the first time and she doesn't think they will ever be back to get her, she was fighting and screaming until her face was all red but they left her in there anyways, and than she let go, and tired from struggle walked up to he huge window and just stanned there, starring at the distance, feeling the cold window glass on the tip of her nose.


When I got up to face the mirror, my eyes were big and dark, my eyelashes long and wet and my nose red. I stepped into the shower and cried some more, than I put on my black cashmere V-neck sweater, my dark skinny years and my converse sneakers, I grabbed my big black sunglasses and I-pod and just walked out. Even though it was raining the whole morning it was extremely warm for the first day of November. Headed to the bus stop I took a shortcut through the graveyard. A lot of people were there for the All Saints Day and it was hard to walk through, I lowered the volume on my Ipod. By the exit of the graveyard I saw a lady with a barely 3 year old boy lighting a candle and placing it on the grave, the little boy was standing a side reaching to touch the letters on the name board. The lady bent down to hug him and said: „Come on we are going home now, send a kiss to daddy!“ and a little boy lowered down his head and kissed the cold stone.


This is when I realized that I will be ok, that I was right, that my values are in place and that he is the one who got lost in the superficial world, searching for the wealth, fake security and perfection, living to fast to realize the chance he is missing.


This is something that happens fast, person becomes greedy and selfish, justifying his sacrifices with the higher goal in the future. While in the meantime he is turning his back to all that is real and wasting his precious time in peak years of his life. Life goes by fast, days fly like seconds, years go by in a flash and than all that is left is regret for not being there when the life was happening. Not being there to create memories. Not seeing your parents grow old, missing birthdays, funerals, babies being born, holidays, watching World Cup's with friends, all the happiness and sorrow. Not taking risks and fighting, not loving. Not having a courage to live.


All the most important decision we make which eventually shape and direct our lives are made when we are really young. Choosing the high school, college, moving abroad and adjusting to new culture, building your personality there and shaping yourself into a man/women you will be, starting a career and fighting for your status in the company,maintaining a relationships with friends at two continents, loving somebody.


All this we need to do while in the same time keeping our values and our head on our shoulders. Then, we have to make some sacrifices, which way to go, which path to take? How emotionally strong am I? What is that truly matters in my life? Am I lonely? Who are the people I can't bare to loose? Am I happy right this second? If not, why? Am I going to regret my decision later on in life? Am I taking the easy way cause I am scared to take a risk?


Ask yourself these questions and answer them truthfully, this is when you are going to know if your path is right. Look at the people around you at your work and you will see if your career is on the right path, is this the kind of person you want to become? When you come home at night and go to your bed, touch the space by you and ask youself is this who you want to sleep with forever? Pay attention to people you walk by in your neighborhood and ask yourself if these are the kind of people you want to live around and become like? Because this is what's real, this is who you are at the moment and this is the path you are taking. The person who is true to him/herself and brave enough can reroute and make that change right away. The easiest thing is to do nothing at all and stay passive observer of your own life, staying where you are, doing what you do, stay average.

Long time no blog

Long time no blog dear all! This has certainly been a long emotionally and physically draining a month and so...work, work, work and more work, but a meaningful one, I am learning quit a lot. I am actually taking a little trip to the City for the Xmass holidays, I am really going to visit my long distance boyfriend and I am extremely excited and even more scared about how I am going to feel, how brave I am going to be and if I will finally have a face to face, truth and nothing but the truth conversation with him, look at his eyes and instantly know if it will be happily ever after or a final goodbye.


I am praying and wishing for the first option to be true.The other day I finally received the rest of my winter clothes which my beautiful brazilian friend sent to me back from states, God bless her! I was so excited not to go to work in semi-spring clothes and to finally feel warm and dressed up in my last season (but very timeless and chic) skirts, dresses and hats.


I was not as excited to find out that the pantyhose I put on, had a tinny but noticeable hole on it. I noticed it right when I came down the stairs and put my coat on, I was locking the doors and I looked down, that's when I saw it.
Now, of course I could theoretically go back in and put on a new pair, but I didn't. I kept walking and had them on the whole day, pulling them and trying to make that inperfection invisible.


Now, my dear ladies, don't we all sometimes do it. Knowing something is less than perfect, flawed, broken, torn and visible, we still let it be, deceiving ourselves that it might just disappear, vanish, be gone...and nobody but us could ever possibly notice it? This is something that I realized I might be doing with my relationship sometimes. Knowing that it needs some repair, having some decisions waiting to be made, and just letting it be, hoping it will fix itself or somehow disappear, that he will miss me and come back.


Well, unfortunately, in this case a little bit of see-through nail polish just will not cut it. This is one thing I hope to do in New York, finally fix my pantyhoe.


xoxo,


Kat

The One

Today is a holiday in Croatia, it is the day when we celebrate the dead, visit their graves, light candles and bring fresh flowers. I lost a lot of people in my life way to early, they died. Yesterday I lost another person, I think I lost him a while ago but just found out yesterday. I lost my boyfriend.


After waiting and waiting, loving and hoping he gave up on us, just like that, the investment was not worth of return, or no ROI (for those of you who measure everything in life in $ value). Now, I am sad, mad, disappointed, hurt, feel rejected and in pain, I am crying randomly and feel lost. I feel like he abandoned me. My heart is broken. With all that being sad one would expect me to now trash him and explain what a lousy and cowardly person he is, low values, no heart, that he is nobody. However, I can't and don't want to do that. That would not be true. He is none of those things and I still love him endlessly.


Talking to my true friends who stayed with me through everything I realized some things about myself and the relationship I had. I am not a quitter, I am very romantic and believe in love and fighting for it, I am probably living in the wrong age. Love and passion are included in all of what I do. My work, my relationship with friends, family and most importantly in my romantic relationship. I fight and love passionately.


High drama? Maybe, but it is a lot of fun and also very painful to live like that, but guess what, you feel alive and you do live to the fullest! Most importantly, you can always look at everybody's face and never feel ashamed cause at all times you gave your all!


I refuse to take the easy way out and just give up but I do believe in letting go. A very smart person once said: „Let go what you love the most, set it free, if it comes back than it is yours forever and if it doesn't than you never really had it“ .
This time I did let him go because I believe that I deserve to be with somebody who is a good passionate man with strong values, somebody confident and brave, with goals in life which are not measured in $ or Ł but in accomplishments, memories and emotions. And he, he needs to find out who he really is and what he really wants, and maybe once he will even realize who he had and lost.


And me? What's going to happen with me? I am not sure. I know I can jump on the next chance with a man willing to be my shoulder to cry on tomorrow if I wanted to. But after this relationship, which I thought to be my last one, I have to many pieces to gather and feel as if I will be busy with that for a long time.


There are to many memories, silly things that remind me of him: his jeans by my bed, a package of little presents I put together to sent to him, a calendar where I was counting the days until I go to NY for Christmas and finally see him, the travel papers and passport, our song on my Ipod, the bracelet he got me and the picture of us on my laptop.
While the worse are the memories in my head which are impossible to put in the box and push to the bottom of the closet. Our first Christmas together, our „official“ anniversary on the New Years Eve, the cruise around Manhattan, stupid thing he said when he first kissed me, watching movies and being lazy on the beach, the Valentines day with rose petals and candles, dinners in the City, waiting for him for hours to come from work and sleeping on his chest, talking and drawing to each other on the webcam for hours at night, talking about our future, our apartment and having babies, this will all be hard to let go and forget.


If I ever do find a man who will be strong enough not to feel intimidated by me, who knows how to and is not afraid to deal with all the challenges which relationship and life bring, I know I will be able to give my all to him, and hope he would take my bruised up heart.


Kat :(

Friendships

Weather Report: pleasantly warm
Stock Market Report: L.O.V.E hit its 52week high= priceless
Emotional State: worried but hopeful


First and foremost I would like to thank Kim and Anita for their endless wisdom, love and support in the past week. No, this is not acceptance speech on movie or music awards. These are honest and truthful words of gratitude to my friends who each on her own unique way helped me see the both sides of my Time, Love and Lifelong investment dilemma. They helped me see what was really important by applying their knowing of me and they care for me as the real friends should. So thank you girls for being you, reminding me who I am and encouraging me to stay true to the same.



Now, this made me think about what friendships really are, since in the past two months I have really questioned the longevity and quality of some of my friendships. As I see it, the friendship is a relationship just like a romantic one, well minus the physical part and just like the family relationship, again minus the actual blood connection. The common ingredient as you might noticed and felt is LOVE .



Different than romantic relationship, friendship should be unconditional in love and have much higher bullshit and PMS tolerance. Also, friendship should be more forgiving and absolutely unselfish. Next, friendship versus family relationship has a spare bad and a shoulder to cry on for you even when families bullshit tolerance is on the all times low and romantic relationship has proven to be a mistake.



And the last but by all means not the least is that friendship is never silent, it tells you what you need to hear even when you don't want to hear it. It catches when falling, it falls and knows it will be caught, it makes a mistake and forgives one, it fights and makes up and it never ever lets go.



So thank you again fabulous ladies. Thank you Armina and Matea on "big sister" friendship. Thank you Ania on "little sister" friendship. Thank you Allis on listening friendship, thank you Erin on wisdom and experience talk, thank you GF on partner in crime friendship. Thank you Anita on blunt honesty and endless support. And thank you Mr. Financial Analyst for helping the L.O.V.E hit its 52 weeks high.

Original or a knockoff?

Day: hot and miserable saturday
Emotional state: heartbreak( broken into pieces and doctors gave up on recesitating)
Guilty: knockoff who presented himself as an original


As Carrie Bradshaw said there are to L`s women look for in New York City, labels and love. I thought I found both. However, it is much easier to recognize a knockoff to experienced fashionista`s eye when it comes to labels than to love. Being hopeless romantic as I am I trusted, loved and cherished my New York found love. I cared for it better than for any shoes or a designer dress. I love it more than all the label pieces I have as well.


Unfortunately, when it comes to love there is no dry cleaning place, nor the detergent to clean it with, nor the store where you can return it for a brand new one or even the original, because when it comes to love pieces are unique. If you have bought a knockoff, trusted it to be the original, great quality and just what you needed and it ends up breaking and falling apart, there is nothing that can be done. Knockoff will stay a knockoff, that can not be changed.


So what to do now? You are left heartbroken, you feel disappointed, cheated on and miserable. Who`s fault is it? That is a hard question! Is it your fault for not knowing that this great looking, great quality original will quit on you the very first time it gets tough? Or is it his fault for deceiving you this whole time knowing that he is knockoff? But does it really matter?


At the end all that matters is money, right? It is the value of something you lost. I guess I found out what my monetary value is, how much am I worth to my "original" and that is what really makes me sad, that even love has its worth on the stock market.


~Kat

Talking Fashion

Where did the summer go?
I am not quit sure what is happening this year but I felt like summer has just swooshed by in a light year kinda speed. I vaguely remember snow this year in the City, meeting my boyfriend, having a spectacular two people New Years party with him and than it got warmer ( yes it got warmer in January!) , fashion week in Bryant Park, the showroom rush and than sum...and than ..mer was over! I just don´t get it, do seasons last weeks rather than months now?

Well, designers certainly recognized and are fully aware of the demand for "all seasons" fashion pieces. This was particularly noticeable in Fall/Winter 08 going on Resort 09. Due to the current situation in the global economy and the ever more visible effects of global warming, the fashion is changing and adapting to consumers needs for more affordable, practical and better quality fashion pieces, wearable year round.

On the other hand, when it comes to couture collections the rules of demand are not the same. All of the higher profile fashion houses (Dior, Chanel, Gucci, Armani, Ralph Lauren) have focused and adapted on their highest paying customers and most developing markets of Middle East, Asia and India. After watching the shows and showroom pictures I have picked my favorites for both Fall/Winter 08.

Fall 2008 .
My absolute favorite shows were Galliano´s and McQueen´s shows. I also loved Ralph Lauren and DSquared collections.

McQueen used his trip to India as well as British Empire as inspiration for this collection. McQueen showed great craftmanship, his model was Victorian punk meets British royalty and queen Elizabeth. I loved the tulle skirts, India inspired jewelry, beautiful Fabergé egg purses, interesting skinny trousers and "the prince suit", gorgeous knit dresses and beautiful "feather lace"fabrics. McQeen´s fabrics were rich and royal, he used red, white, black and gold fabrics made in India, beautiful embroidery and feathers.




Galliano´s collection was beautifully insane as always. His scene was" a pastiche of a Rudolf Valentino-era silent-movie set"(Sarah Mower). I absolutely adore his houri pants, oversized head pieces, thirties chiffons, floral print dresses and coats and gorgeous free falling furs. The color pallet was wonderful (pale pinks, blues and burgundies).










DSquared showed vicious but wearable looks, I am sure Texas or Indiana would not be the best selling markets but it will be a definite success for New York as well as for many other fashion capitals in the world Paris, Tokyo, Milan etc. DSquared´s model was naughty secretary/librarian who wears fishnet stalkings, high waisted red plaid skirts, black fur, red lips and long leather glows. Batter return your books on time people!










On the other hand Ralph Lauren showed safer but very elegant and timeless collection. I loved one shoulder velvet dresses, high boots in red and purple, precise tailoring, gorgeous leather belts and Ricky bags, as well as feather and leaves embellished pieces. The color pallet was black, white, red, green, gold and purple.





In conclusion, Fall 08 Ready to Wear was artistically beautiful (Galliano and McQueen), timeless, elegant and classical ( Chanel, Ralph Lauren) and young and naughty(DSquared).
The trends are:

-Peplumed 40s style dresses and houri pants
-Plaid skirts and shirts, tweed
-Velvet/ shearling one shoulder dresses
-Silhouette skirts and coats
-Less is more philosophy (unless you are going for Diva Glam look)
-Black is a new black
-Minimalistic tendencies
-Futuristic caped jackets
-Funnel-collared furs
-High boots(red and purple is great)
-Chunky knits
-Feathers


Dress it up people September is behind the corner!




~Kat

Long Distance Love

For more than two months now my boyfriend and I are forced to be in a long distance relationship. It is not easy, as you might imagine, but we are (read he is) handling it rather well. If we disregard the past four days which have been tragic, all in all I to managed the separation with minimal drama outbreaks (not counting PMS days).

Although I have never tried nor believed in maintaining a long distance relationship, when I met Ante, fell in love and we started planning our future together, the long distance period, which we knew it was coming seemed more like a puddle in the rain on our long walk to forever, where we knew we might get our shoes a bit wet, but they would dry before water would touch our feet.

Now, after stepping in the puddle I feel like I left home wearing my new purple suede Miu Miu flats forgetting all about the forecasted showers and I walked right through the middle of the puddle. I am actually standing in the middle of it right now. My flats are ruined, my feet are wet, I am staring at my feet and I can't move. Fucking rain.

While I am standing in the puddle, and staring at my ruined purple suede Miu Miu flats, I look up. Ante is holding my hand, standing on the edge of the puddle and smiling at me. He pulls me out of the puddle, tells me he loves me and promises we will go and get another pair of those purple flats.

We keep walking....and I realize...I would walk barefoot on the rain with him forever, as long as he would hold my hand.