Appetite for Love

When it comes to love I am like a child who, no matter the age refuses to believe that Santa is not real. The kind of person who thinks love lasts forever and who believes that there is only one perfect person for you in this world and if you are one of the lucky ones and you find your prince/princess charming, you better hold them tight and treat them good. I am the one who finds purpose of existence in love and passion.


Here I am not talking only about romantic love, although that one is on the very top of them all, here I am primarily talking about having love and passion for everything in life: the work you do, your family, your pet, your garden, your car etc. Whatever it is that makes your heart skips a beat and speeds up your blood flow, whatever makes you blush and puts the smile on your face when you get up in the morning feeling on top of the world.


See, first thing I do in the morning, with my eyes still closed and very, very disoriented I look for him, for him who I consider to be The One. I tap with one hand and look for his hand, chest, face...than I open one eye and realize he is not even there, just an empty pillow.... than I sink my head into mine and get upset and don't feel like waking up at all, which is usually followed with beating on my alarm clock or cell phone, again tap, tap with the same right hand from the elbow just stronger and angrier, once its silenced or broken I turn around to sleep some more.


I notice when leafs on the tree by my house are still golden brown and green even though its November, I notice if the person who I always see on the bus stop in the morning is not there anymore and I wonder if he is sick or maybe just slept in. Sometimes I look at the peoples faces on the bus, in the tram, walking down the street and wonder where are they going and who is waiting for them at home. I can tell by their eyes that they are tired, worried, sad, hopeless and wonder why...the creepy as it sounds this starts of my train of thoughts and leads my thinking into completely different direction, I reflect myself of it. I use those people as mirrors.


Looks like I am emotionally old school while physically and spiritually liberal, or just rather observant. It is hard to tell. One thing I know for a fact is that I have a strong appetite for love, while some have strong appetite for money or success, the way I think these have to be balanced, cause if you only crave for money and success than you will become money obese and love hungry and die, and nobody wants to die. :)


Xoxo,


Kat

Fresh Post

It was a while since I have written a fresh post, since than I have landed a new grown up and responsible job position. Position is very promising in terms of career growth and pay. Great! So what’s missing?

Well, New York is missing that is what. Here I don’t mean a City. When I say New York is missing than I mean: glam, posh people, Rugby crew, rush, Skim Peppermint Mocha, Ante and I on a boat ride around Manhattan or in the bed being lazy on Sunday afternoon in Astoria. Ahhh….

Once again I am faced with the long distance curse, it is going on and on and on….will it ever end? I sure hope so. I am in “Dangerously in Love” mood and my friends Armina and Anita are suggesting thinking “Me, Myself and I”…and I am trying to find a balance.

When it comes to balance I feel like one thing that would help to achieve it, is to do a detailed clean up in a social department. This means to prioritize and appreciate more my own precious time, and choose whom to give it to. This is how I see it. We all are given one little, short life to live. In this short life we are given a full freedom to use it to the best of our imagination and ability.

Most of us get so absorbed with what is society (family, friends, community, neighbors...) expecting from us to do or who to be, that we are loosing the power of critical thinking and creativity, we stop questioning what is really what we want from our life and who we really want to be. Next, we compromise and accept less than what was originally planned. This, my friends leads to becoming – ordinary. In the fashion lingo: little black dress, red lipstick and pearls = very Coco Chanel, classic but unique, just a black dress = boring and ordinary.

Now, one would ask, what is wrong with being ordinary…living a decent life, accepting the average job, average salary, average apartment, boyfriend or husband and just blend in with the rest of the ordinaries.

The wrong thing is that we can choose to be unique individual, not to compromise, not to take the easy way out, follow our instinct and take risks, to speak our mind and live or lives to the fullest! Of course this second choice comes with gazillion con's (heartbreaks, investment losses, disappointments etc.) but it makes one achieve his/hers full potential!

This way you live your life and are not just an observer standing in your own safe corner and doing your routine tasks, day after day, after day.

Just Life

After a sleepless night I feel tired and drained. My eyes are puffy and my face looks like a face of a five year old girl who's parents left her at the preschool for the first time and she doesn't think they will ever be back to get her, she was fighting and screaming until her face was all red but they left her in there anyways, and than she let go, and tired from struggle walked up to he huge window and just stanned there, starring at the distance, feeling the cold window glass on the tip of her nose.


When I got up to face the mirror, my eyes were big and dark, my eyelashes long and wet and my nose red. I stepped into the shower and cried some more, than I put on my black cashmere V-neck sweater, my dark skinny years and my converse sneakers, I grabbed my big black sunglasses and I-pod and just walked out. Even though it was raining the whole morning it was extremely warm for the first day of November. Headed to the bus stop I took a shortcut through the graveyard. A lot of people were there for the All Saints Day and it was hard to walk through, I lowered the volume on my Ipod. By the exit of the graveyard I saw a lady with a barely 3 year old boy lighting a candle and placing it on the grave, the little boy was standing a side reaching to touch the letters on the name board. The lady bent down to hug him and said: „Come on we are going home now, send a kiss to daddy!“ and a little boy lowered down his head and kissed the cold stone.


This is when I realized that I will be ok, that I was right, that my values are in place and that he is the one who got lost in the superficial world, searching for the wealth, fake security and perfection, living to fast to realize the chance he is missing.


This is something that happens fast, person becomes greedy and selfish, justifying his sacrifices with the higher goal in the future. While in the meantime he is turning his back to all that is real and wasting his precious time in peak years of his life. Life goes by fast, days fly like seconds, years go by in a flash and than all that is left is regret for not being there when the life was happening. Not being there to create memories. Not seeing your parents grow old, missing birthdays, funerals, babies being born, holidays, watching World Cup's with friends, all the happiness and sorrow. Not taking risks and fighting, not loving. Not having a courage to live.


All the most important decision we make which eventually shape and direct our lives are made when we are really young. Choosing the high school, college, moving abroad and adjusting to new culture, building your personality there and shaping yourself into a man/women you will be, starting a career and fighting for your status in the company,maintaining a relationships with friends at two continents, loving somebody.


All this we need to do while in the same time keeping our values and our head on our shoulders. Then, we have to make some sacrifices, which way to go, which path to take? How emotionally strong am I? What is that truly matters in my life? Am I lonely? Who are the people I can't bare to loose? Am I happy right this second? If not, why? Am I going to regret my decision later on in life? Am I taking the easy way cause I am scared to take a risk?


Ask yourself these questions and answer them truthfully, this is when you are going to know if your path is right. Look at the people around you at your work and you will see if your career is on the right path, is this the kind of person you want to become? When you come home at night and go to your bed, touch the space by you and ask youself is this who you want to sleep with forever? Pay attention to people you walk by in your neighborhood and ask yourself if these are the kind of people you want to live around and become like? Because this is what's real, this is who you are at the moment and this is the path you are taking. The person who is true to him/herself and brave enough can reroute and make that change right away. The easiest thing is to do nothing at all and stay passive observer of your own life, staying where you are, doing what you do, stay average.

Long time no blog

Long time no blog dear all! This has certainly been a long emotionally and physically draining a month and so...work, work, work and more work, but a meaningful one, I am learning quit a lot. I am actually taking a little trip to the City for the Xmass holidays, I am really going to visit my long distance boyfriend and I am extremely excited and even more scared about how I am going to feel, how brave I am going to be and if I will finally have a face to face, truth and nothing but the truth conversation with him, look at his eyes and instantly know if it will be happily ever after or a final goodbye.


I am praying and wishing for the first option to be true.The other day I finally received the rest of my winter clothes which my beautiful brazilian friend sent to me back from states, God bless her! I was so excited not to go to work in semi-spring clothes and to finally feel warm and dressed up in my last season (but very timeless and chic) skirts, dresses and hats.


I was not as excited to find out that the pantyhose I put on, had a tinny but noticeable hole on it. I noticed it right when I came down the stairs and put my coat on, I was locking the doors and I looked down, that's when I saw it.
Now, of course I could theoretically go back in and put on a new pair, but I didn't. I kept walking and had them on the whole day, pulling them and trying to make that inperfection invisible.


Now, my dear ladies, don't we all sometimes do it. Knowing something is less than perfect, flawed, broken, torn and visible, we still let it be, deceiving ourselves that it might just disappear, vanish, be gone...and nobody but us could ever possibly notice it? This is something that I realized I might be doing with my relationship sometimes. Knowing that it needs some repair, having some decisions waiting to be made, and just letting it be, hoping it will fix itself or somehow disappear, that he will miss me and come back.


Well, unfortunately, in this case a little bit of see-through nail polish just will not cut it. This is one thing I hope to do in New York, finally fix my pantyhoe.


xoxo,


Kat

The One

Today is a holiday in Croatia, it is the day when we celebrate the dead, visit their graves, light candles and bring fresh flowers. I lost a lot of people in my life way to early, they died. Yesterday I lost another person, I think I lost him a while ago but just found out yesterday. I lost my boyfriend.


After waiting and waiting, loving and hoping he gave up on us, just like that, the investment was not worth of return, or no ROI (for those of you who measure everything in life in $ value). Now, I am sad, mad, disappointed, hurt, feel rejected and in pain, I am crying randomly and feel lost. I feel like he abandoned me. My heart is broken. With all that being sad one would expect me to now trash him and explain what a lousy and cowardly person he is, low values, no heart, that he is nobody. However, I can't and don't want to do that. That would not be true. He is none of those things and I still love him endlessly.


Talking to my true friends who stayed with me through everything I realized some things about myself and the relationship I had. I am not a quitter, I am very romantic and believe in love and fighting for it, I am probably living in the wrong age. Love and passion are included in all of what I do. My work, my relationship with friends, family and most importantly in my romantic relationship. I fight and love passionately.


High drama? Maybe, but it is a lot of fun and also very painful to live like that, but guess what, you feel alive and you do live to the fullest! Most importantly, you can always look at everybody's face and never feel ashamed cause at all times you gave your all!


I refuse to take the easy way out and just give up but I do believe in letting go. A very smart person once said: „Let go what you love the most, set it free, if it comes back than it is yours forever and if it doesn't than you never really had it“ .
This time I did let him go because I believe that I deserve to be with somebody who is a good passionate man with strong values, somebody confident and brave, with goals in life which are not measured in $ or Ł but in accomplishments, memories and emotions. And he, he needs to find out who he really is and what he really wants, and maybe once he will even realize who he had and lost.


And me? What's going to happen with me? I am not sure. I know I can jump on the next chance with a man willing to be my shoulder to cry on tomorrow if I wanted to. But after this relationship, which I thought to be my last one, I have to many pieces to gather and feel as if I will be busy with that for a long time.


There are to many memories, silly things that remind me of him: his jeans by my bed, a package of little presents I put together to sent to him, a calendar where I was counting the days until I go to NY for Christmas and finally see him, the travel papers and passport, our song on my Ipod, the bracelet he got me and the picture of us on my laptop.
While the worse are the memories in my head which are impossible to put in the box and push to the bottom of the closet. Our first Christmas together, our „official“ anniversary on the New Years Eve, the cruise around Manhattan, stupid thing he said when he first kissed me, watching movies and being lazy on the beach, the Valentines day with rose petals and candles, dinners in the City, waiting for him for hours to come from work and sleeping on his chest, talking and drawing to each other on the webcam for hours at night, talking about our future, our apartment and having babies, this will all be hard to let go and forget.


If I ever do find a man who will be strong enough not to feel intimidated by me, who knows how to and is not afraid to deal with all the challenges which relationship and life bring, I know I will be able to give my all to him, and hope he would take my bruised up heart.


Kat :(

Friendships

Weather Report: pleasantly warm
Stock Market Report: L.O.V.E hit its 52week high= priceless
Emotional State: worried but hopeful


First and foremost I would like to thank Kim and Anita for their endless wisdom, love and support in the past week. No, this is not acceptance speech on movie or music awards. These are honest and truthful words of gratitude to my friends who each on her own unique way helped me see the both sides of my Time, Love and Lifelong investment dilemma. They helped me see what was really important by applying their knowing of me and they care for me as the real friends should. So thank you girls for being you, reminding me who I am and encouraging me to stay true to the same.



Now, this made me think about what friendships really are, since in the past two months I have really questioned the longevity and quality of some of my friendships. As I see it, the friendship is a relationship just like a romantic one, well minus the physical part and just like the family relationship, again minus the actual blood connection. The common ingredient as you might noticed and felt is LOVE .



Different than romantic relationship, friendship should be unconditional in love and have much higher bullshit and PMS tolerance. Also, friendship should be more forgiving and absolutely unselfish. Next, friendship versus family relationship has a spare bad and a shoulder to cry on for you even when families bullshit tolerance is on the all times low and romantic relationship has proven to be a mistake.



And the last but by all means not the least is that friendship is never silent, it tells you what you need to hear even when you don't want to hear it. It catches when falling, it falls and knows it will be caught, it makes a mistake and forgives one, it fights and makes up and it never ever lets go.



So thank you again fabulous ladies. Thank you Armina and Matea on "big sister" friendship. Thank you Ania on "little sister" friendship. Thank you Allis on listening friendship, thank you Erin on wisdom and experience talk, thank you GF on partner in crime friendship. Thank you Anita on blunt honesty and endless support. And thank you Mr. Financial Analyst for helping the L.O.V.E hit its 52 weeks high.

Original or a knockoff?

Day: hot and miserable saturday
Emotional state: heartbreak( broken into pieces and doctors gave up on recesitating)
Guilty: knockoff who presented himself as an original


As Carrie Bradshaw said there are to L`s women look for in New York City, labels and love. I thought I found both. However, it is much easier to recognize a knockoff to experienced fashionista`s eye when it comes to labels than to love. Being hopeless romantic as I am I trusted, loved and cherished my New York found love. I cared for it better than for any shoes or a designer dress. I love it more than all the label pieces I have as well.


Unfortunately, when it comes to love there is no dry cleaning place, nor the detergent to clean it with, nor the store where you can return it for a brand new one or even the original, because when it comes to love pieces are unique. If you have bought a knockoff, trusted it to be the original, great quality and just what you needed and it ends up breaking and falling apart, there is nothing that can be done. Knockoff will stay a knockoff, that can not be changed.


So what to do now? You are left heartbroken, you feel disappointed, cheated on and miserable. Who`s fault is it? That is a hard question! Is it your fault for not knowing that this great looking, great quality original will quit on you the very first time it gets tough? Or is it his fault for deceiving you this whole time knowing that he is knockoff? But does it really matter?


At the end all that matters is money, right? It is the value of something you lost. I guess I found out what my monetary value is, how much am I worth to my "original" and that is what really makes me sad, that even love has its worth on the stock market.


~Kat