Its OK to be gay

13th of June 2009

This morning I slept in, as I stayed up late last night making Swarowski crystal earrings for my friends weeding today. I made her real nice and elegant chandelier earrings and met with her early this morning, she stopped by on her way to hairdresser.

I went to buy some fruits and fresh bread at the market on my way back home, showered and put on my Leonarda Boban floral lace and ruffle dress I got on this years Fashion Week charity auction, I was surprised it ended up being a bit big on me, I swear my body sometimes seems to transform sizes based on newly purchased fashion pieces, it happened to me with shoes as well....my foot miraculously fits in like 5 different sizes...every shoe I like fits in whatever size available...weird.I guess my body follows fashion trends by shrinking according to current season top looks hahaha....

After taking about two hours to get ready I went to meet up with a very cute new friend for a coffee, he took a train home and I walked through my home town Zagreb which I fall in love with every day for a new reason. Today this reason was growing tolerance. I was proud that my city hosted "Gay Pride 2009." and I was disappointed to see there was "Anti-gay pride protest" as well....although Croatian population (read urban parts of Croatia) is getting more and more liberal and sexually and racially tolerant there will always be small minded people who hate just to hate.

Reading the articles following the Pride I was deeply saddened with post event incidents. I take it to heart, because I simply don’t understand why people are such a hypocrites and so scared of differences.Many feel so morally superior to others, calling upon religion, family heritage, nationalism where the only thing that lies behind their hatred is their insecurity in their own sexuality and/or inability to comprehend that we all are not the same and shall respect each other for who we are as individuals.

It is simple, being gay and supporting gay pride has absolutely nothing to do with sex and it has everything to do with asking for equality of people, not a boy and a girl, girl and a girl, boy and a boy...just people.

Equality.

Equal opportunity to love, to share, to live together, to kiss, to argue, to break up, to eat lunch together in public, to flirt, to party, to get in trouble, to have friends gay and straight, to believe, to get married, to have family, to buy a house, to move in together, to visit your love one in the hospital when sick, to meet the parents, to be scared, to have the right to inherit loved ones property, to bury your partner when he or she dies.

Live and let live.

It’s ok to be gay.

xoxo

~Kat

Ouuu boy

So, here it goes...I met somebody...of course, didn't have a clue, did not want it and didn't expect it. He is not even my type! Never thought I could fall for somebody like that, and I did not, yet...but I can't stop thinking about him. There is something so cool, so hard to describe, and so normal about him. He is at the same time so strong and so vulnerable.

However, there is a catch, actually two. The first catch is that it is more wrong than right....actually it is totally wrong...so wrong I should not even talk to him anymore. Second catch is that he knows my ex, so this should be an automatic No-No... he is very like my ex, but more mature, brave and macho. He is very successful, strong, intelligent and intriguing....actually he is all my ex wanted to be but could not..hmm…that is just wird how karma works,ha?

But I should not even dare...I know I should not; I should not dare to think that something might happen here. We talked for hours, it really feels good to be around him, I am a different person now, more calm and more careful....I don't believe in love anymore...Or do I?

xoxo,

live from cloud nine...Kat

DRIVING them crazy

Lately I haven't been sleeping well at all. I keep thinking about things, worrying, can't forget, I wish I could erase last year and a half totally out of my memory, maybe that would help, it was all a lie anyways, mission impossible.

Tomorrow I will go where I always go when I feel like I am pushed into a corner and can't see a way out...and pray, for a miracle ...haha...

Anyways...Today I continued my driving lessons. The instructor was brave enough to stick with me. The poor thing is sweating as soon as he sees me so I decided to chit-chat with him to make him more relaxed and I gave him a nickname Zokić-Smokić, he didn't like the nickname.I was focused while driving and doing good, other than the usage of the stick, the car keeps turning off on me, I think it might be broken?!

I wore my dark brown wooden heel sandals, I did not ran over anybody so I guess I passed today’s lesson, he was relieved when I turned off the engine. I asked him what kind of car does he think would suite me, he said Formula 1. hihihihi....Silly man....

On my way home I was thinking about these cars and all. I never had much interest nor I know much about cars but I guess I should get myself one. So, I was thinking about the two pretty ones I like a lot Audi - A8 or a Porsche Boxter.

Since I need to go to one of those dealerships where they sell those I asked Google about how to go about buying car and what are the watch outs. First I jotted down some of the most important things for me to ask, so here we go:

Audi-A8
1. Do you have this model in pink or plum purple?
2. Can you make it into automatic?
3. How many horses does it have?
4.What is the size of the trunk?
5. Does it use a lot of gas?

Porsche Boxter
1.How much does it costs to put in pink leather seats?
2. Where do I put a baby seat in a 2 seater once I decide to have babies?
3. How fast can it go?
4. What is the size of the trunk?
5. Can you make it into automatic?


Ok, this seems enough for now. I am sure they will tell me more info about the car once I decide to buy it. If you can think of additional questions please do tell, I am open for suggestions.Love status: On hold. Cannot and will not let myself fall in love. I test my feelings by asking myself would I take a bullet for my ex, since my answer was: Without thinking YES.
This is how I know it is not the time to move on. I’ll take it one step at a time.


xoxo

~Kat

P.S. Dog status: Roko has started a new love affair, since he is still injured and cant walk, she is coming to see him and licks his nose while he is lying in his little house all day hauling in pain. Gosh...even female animals are stupid and naive when in love.

I SPY: Warsaw, Poland.

May 9th


I came to Warsaw yesterday morning, I could totally live here its gorgeously European. I went to fancy 50th birthday party last night and met many amazing, young and very successful people who were radiant with class and very intelligent.


We (Ania, Ana and I) came home from clubbing at 5 am, the party was super wild, we danced all night long, ate wonderful food and drank pink champagne and wine, we socialized with young but worldly people and were catching up on stories since the last time we saw each other past Christmas in NYC, gosh I missed this kind of European people living in US.


May 10th


My ladies and I spent the whole day walking through beautiful historic parks, we tried to catch a duck (didn't happened, did you know that ducks can be super aggressive? Hmm...I didn't know until this weekend hihi) After the walk in the park we had lunch at this wonderful Thai restaurant and had a quality girl-business talk in one super trendy cafe which reminded me on Panera Bread with its choice of pastries and a homie warm feel and on a Starbucks with its selection of coffees and other warm beverages from all around the world. I had a peppermint mocha and a piece of chilly and cherry chocolate cake, I know it sounds as a weird combo but the cake was divine! I promise!







We are just getting ready for another night on the town, I am wearing my hot sequin dress to test it for my next monday performance. Did I mention that I am going to a dance class and have a dance performance next week? I probably did not. Well I am very excited about my performance. As it seems I am somewhat talented dancer ( so my dance teacher thinks and my body moves well, so she saids , read: I dont fall over my own leg hihihihi)
Tonight we decided to first go for a small supper and than to rock couple of the hottest Polish clubs.
More details tommorow...time to do my hair.


May 11th


We had so much fun last night, we went to couple of sexy,trendy clubs and had a great girls night out. First spot was an underground fancy club with arch shaped hallways and private rooms. We didn't feel like dancing among the bunch of people on the packed dance floor so some gentleman invited us to with a glass wall divided VIP room where there was a private party, which soon cleared out so we stayed with the DJ and some boys, smoking Hooka and drinking Moet and Dom Perignon, I had my Mojito. It was lovely.











May 13th


Dog status: Roko is still limping. That is what he gets for jumping on every female dog (for the lack of more appropriate expression), he should have not pick the engaged female dog LOL.


Driving status: Working with my 3rd instructor. I was wearing heels and by accident hit the table of the outdoor cafe , nobody was hurt, luckily. Not sure why driving instructor was so mad, gosh... Looks like I have to find yet another one. Lesson learned: do not drive in blue flower sandals EVER again, the heel wont stick down.
Note to myself: try white wedge Ann Klein heels tomorrow, they said it will be sunny.


Love status: Today something clicked in my head. I cried my last tier. I met somebody by accident. This guy is a real man. He is a very successful and attractive man.
I never met anybody like this. Its weird. I don't know what to think.


More in next post.


Kat

Letting Go

" If you love somebody and he doesn't love you back, just love the fact that he is somewhere, with someone , and that he is happy. "

I think I'll have to do just that. I am so so tired of fighting for something that doesn't seem to exist any longer, I am moving on with whatever pride I have left after a long and paintful fight, full of scars, moving on.

Everybody saids I should move on, give other guy a chance, that I deserve much better. This time I shall listen.

I took my neckless of today, for the first time in 5 months. Soulmates,ha? Nothing will pull us apart?

~You were clear today. Thank you.

Kat

Love is calling

Now...how often do we use our phone? It’s like our life line right? Yesterday I forgot my cell at home and figured it out far to late to go back and get it, I was rushing to the meeting and while driving to work looked for it to check my emails and it was nowhere to be found...Shit! I thought!

I started panicking and hyperventilating as if I would die in a matter of seconds if I don’t find it. I was so freaked out my hands started shaking.Next, I started to think how big of a mess I am in life...so missing that one little object which makes me easily accessible to all who needs me 24-7 was making me so depressed , that I have started to question my very existence and life’s purpose?!

Naturally...within next 30 minutes I calmed down...took a several deep breathes and realized what an awfully big and thick wall I built and now I am hiding behind it, the wall of my work and the wall of busyness. Did I really think that if I don’t pick up my phone that the huge multinational gigantic company would just go bankrupt and disappear...damn I really must be very "important".

Seriously, think about it...what is that you do that it is soooo important that human kind would just not be the same if you would stop doing it? Don’t we all sometimes get consumed into our work and "importance" and "seriousness" of it that we actually forget to live and just work, we became machines, didn’t we?

Romantic and bohemian that I am, I got consumed into thinking about the emotional mess I am in right now....or better say, emptiness. I became iron lady, a stone heart.

If considering the metaphor of making a phone call, what do we do when love calls?

At first, I used to be the one calling The Love. The Love did not pick up, somebody else took his place, he was not who I fell in love more than a year ago now. I tried to call The Love many times again; the one who answeres is usually angry and rude. He is not The Love I used to know, I do not recognize my Love's voice any longer. The Love I used to know was warm and funny. He used to haul in the middle of the street, gave me great hugs, laugh at my morning confusion, listened well, played word games, he loved my cooking and did this weird and cute move (for which he thought it was dancing), my Love loved me, I called him my hunk, he said I was his lady.

I loved that Love. His number is no longer in service.

Now, the Loves are calling from couple of different numbers, I am afraid to answer and say Hello. This Loves are different and unfamiliar loves. The Love that is calling me is not my Love. I used to keep looking at a phone while ringing, it was some weird number, I closed my eyes, hoping that when I open them I am going to recognize my Love's number.

Noup, it stayed the same, it just kept ringing. I used to do that a lot when I was a little girl, when I was angry at somebody I used to close my eyes real tight and hope the person would disappear...it did not work than either, and it doesn't work now. It happened only once when I kept my eyes closed really long at my mum, that she went to answer the door bell and I thought the magic happened and she disappeared, imagine my disappointment when she walked back into my room minutes later.

Anyways...I picked up the phone after all but I didn’t say a word. This New Love said he wants to be my Love....he is ok with the fact that I am quite and listening only...not quit ready to speak...his voice is unfamiliar and it doesn’t give me butterflies, it doesn’t make me warm inside....his voice is kind, he doesn’t promise that he will heel me, but he is ready to try and he keeps on talking to me...every time I hang up, he calls back...he cares.

Should I speak up and say a word, let him try to be my Love, my new Love? Or should I just tell him he dialed a wrong number?

Am I going to recognise the voice of the Love that is My Love ever again or will I keep picking up without saying a word?

~Kat~

Funny thing called love...

I quote: "You can close your eyes to things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel." Why not? I want to do it!

So I have closed my eyes, I do peak occasionally I have to admit, but I am trying my very hardest to keep them shut for majority of the time. Keeping in touch won't change a thing, I guess. I am aware of the fact that I have to respect the decision that was made: Its over. I gave it my all, and did not have a power to decide about the outcome.

First I blamed it on myself-i'm just not good enough, I haven't tried enough etc., than I blamed it on him, than I blamed his work, and friends bad influence and the destiny...and I said it just wasn't meant to be...

You tend to lie to yourself...get consumed with work, believe when your friends keep giving you empty phrases: "time heels all of the woons" they say..."he is not good enough for you"...and all you hear is bla..bla...bla...and all you really need is to rewind and just give a big hug to the one who hurt you ...and never let go, never let go.

There is just that one person in the whole world, and his magic touch that can heel you and make it all better. How fu...up is the fact that, this is the only person who will never ever touch you again?

I went out a lot, I had fun, I enjoy the male attention and it does help my self-esteem temporarily...Does is heel me from inside? Not so much...

Moving on completely is what I should do, forget I can't and don't want to, there was really nothing terrible to forget other than the feeling of being abandoned and betrayed by a most special person. Ouu yes, and ignoring, that is one thing that was a push over the edge.

What is that I can offer to this warm hearted kind looking stranger that is trying hard to get his chance and capture my attention? The one who is trying to treat me like a princess...while I am moving backwards like a little girl frightened and unwilling to take a candy from a stranger.

Should I warn him that he is talking to a ghost of who I used to be or give him a chance to impress me? Should I let him touch me, even if my body still trembles to a thought of being touched by another man?

How do I fool my heart?

~Kat