Funny thing called love...

I quote: "You can close your eyes to things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel." Why not? I want to do it!

So I have closed my eyes, I do peak occasionally I have to admit, but I am trying my very hardest to keep them shut for majority of the time. Keeping in touch won't change a thing, I guess. I am aware of the fact that I have to respect the decision that was made: Its over. I gave it my all, and did not have a power to decide about the outcome.

First I blamed it on myself-i'm just not good enough, I haven't tried enough etc., than I blamed it on him, than I blamed his work, and friends bad influence and the destiny...and I said it just wasn't meant to be...

You tend to lie to yourself...get consumed with work, believe when your friends keep giving you empty phrases: "time heels all of the woons" they say..."he is not good enough for you"...and all you hear is bla..bla...bla...and all you really need is to rewind and just give a big hug to the one who hurt you ...and never let go, never let go.

There is just that one person in the whole world, and his magic touch that can heel you and make it all better. How fu...up is the fact that, this is the only person who will never ever touch you again?

I went out a lot, I had fun, I enjoy the male attention and it does help my self-esteem temporarily...Does is heel me from inside? Not so much...

Moving on completely is what I should do, forget I can't and don't want to, there was really nothing terrible to forget other than the feeling of being abandoned and betrayed by a most special person. Ouu yes, and ignoring, that is one thing that was a push over the edge.

What is that I can offer to this warm hearted kind looking stranger that is trying hard to get his chance and capture my attention? The one who is trying to treat me like a princess...while I am moving backwards like a little girl frightened and unwilling to take a candy from a stranger.

Should I warn him that he is talking to a ghost of who I used to be or give him a chance to impress me? Should I let him touch me, even if my body still trembles to a thought of being touched by another man?

How do I fool my heart?

~Kat

Who is your pillar?

Today I started thinking about pillars, about my pillars. So I asked Google to ask Webster how to define a pillar. Webster defined pillar as:
1pil·lar
Pronunciation:
\pi-ler\
Function:
noun
1 a: a firm upright support for a superstructure : post b: a usually ornamental column or shaft ; especially : one standing alone for a monument
2 a: a supporting, integral, or upstanding member or part
3: a solid mass of coal, rock, or ore left standing to support a mine roof4: a body part that resembles a column

Okey…So having Webster confirm my theory I started to think of who/what is my pillar, my post, my column, my leader, my support, my base, my tower of strength…who or what is my rock?!

Once we are born we need a lot of nurture but not as much support, in our childhood we grow and develop on one firm, safe and solid pillar of our family. As we grow that pillar is not sufficient, our knowledge, curiosity and ambitions are growing as are we, this is when standing on only one (although strong and basic) pillar becomes insufficient, unstable and it limits the growth of our potential. This is when we self grow an additional pillar - we build friendships. This pillar is getting taller and stronger, with years it chips away one bit and grows by a two, but it mostly measures continuous growth.
Ok. So here we are, standing on the two strong pillars, balanced and steady, tall and strong. Next, we learn and grow more, we get wider and wider, want to keep growing and explore the life further. Slowly, we are stretching a bit much, our appetite and our needs grow, we become more confident and ambitiously wanting to grow a whole new unfamiliar pillar from the scratch.
Sometimes this means we are jeopardizing or just shaking up our two base posts, but we are adamant to do it and we try. It is scary, unfamiliar and new but we risk it and start building it.
We make a choice of a material we build it from, on its height and its position in regards to our base. But once we start building it we can’t stop until we finish it, because as we started to build it we have moved our core - our equilibrium, and we are not going to be balanced until it is finished. Each of us has to make one from the scratch sooner or later; the only difference is in the amount of the risk and the speed one is willing to take while building it.
There is one more pillar we build out of ambition, social expectations and necessity, this pillar is our work, career, our status…it is our desire to prove oneself in a certain discipline, prove oneself to society and to ourselves. This pillar is really just a mean to maintain a steady pace while building a whole new one, it is made of sand, we build it up much easier and faster than any other but it is also most fragile, even a breeze can blow it away, not to mention the earthquake!
…the one we build all by ourselves, from the scratch is always high risk and requires a whole lot of investment and promises nothing and gives everything- this is the pillar of love, relationship and later family…the pillar which you must build sooner or later…..its quality and endurance depends on a person you are building it with, material you are using and care you are maintaining it with. This is the pillar which will replace your base- the pillar of your family, once it naturally fades away.
Did you build your pillar? Or did you start building it, got scared, stopped and only thing you have left is the pillar made of sand? If this is the case, my dear you are a sinking Venezia.

~Kat

She & He

He was lonely. She was hurt.
He needed love. She needed the truth.
He called her out. She didn’t drink beer.
He was scared. She could smell his fear.

She wore a hat. He dropped a fork.
He tried to impress. She though he’s a dork.
He said she asked him out again. She said it was a lie.
He picked a boring movie. She wanted to die.
He smiled a little. She liked his gap.
He said he didn’t try to kiss her. She though it was crap.

He came to her apartment. She turned on the movie. It was romantic.
He hugged her real close. She felt fantastic.
She twisted and turned. They finally kissed.
He said:"we finally did it". She thought the moment was missed.
He went to her bedroom, lied on her bed.
They kissed and fell a sleep, she stopped feeling sad.

They became a couple. She opened her heart.
He loved her back, right from the start.
They both worked hard. She counted the hours.
She made him dinners. He sent her flowers.
They loved sleeping together, it was their favorite thing.
They both felt this will be much more than a fling.

He always worked late. She waited awake.
He was always tired. She gave him a break.
She light up many candles sprinkled roses and wrote a song.
He walked in surprised and just stood there for so long.
They kissed a lot and became one.
They said "I love you", and so it began.

The love was born, the months flew by, they both walked on the cloud nine.
He said she was his one and only. He said he really cared.
She trusted him completely. She handed her heart to him, she stopped being scared.
They visited each other families. They started making plans.
He told her to keep believing. She gave it a chance.
They wanted to have an apartment, a real dog and even one January born son.
Of course none of that until the saving phase is done.

The long distance started. She waited and kept hoping.
He wanted to end it. The relationship started dropping.
Her birthday was lonely. She cried for days.
He called her, and said there might be the ways.

She had to find a way to be with him. She tried everything she could.
He was scared to make a change. She prayed that he loved her and he would.
He let her visit him and he waited for her to leave. He ended it again, he ended it and run.
Her heart is broken, she cries every night, she though he was the one.

Angels in America

The evening as usual, I finished my Sunday evening beauty routine: doing nails, plucking eyebrows, bath with bubbles and candles, good night talk conversation with Ante. As I was about the turn off my TV and go to sleep, the familiar title caught my attention -“The Laramie Project”. This is the movie, based on a true story of a hate crime (murder) of a young gay man in a small town of, I believe it was Iowa.


Two equally young men planned this hate crime, where they picked up young Matthew at this bar and offered him a ride home later, on their way they stopped in the middle of nowhere, tide him to the fence, ran at him with the car and beat him up unconscious, after which they drove away and left him there for 18 hours to day. Mathew died of sever head injuries coupe of days later. Based on this movie, the play “Angels in America” was written, this is the play I first got to see my junior year at Towson University. This play shone a whole new light on the way I was seeing a life of a gay person.


Raised in a rather liberal family, in spite the cultural climate at the time, I was always open for differences, but never got to really understand how difficult it must be different from all the rest until I got to be an “alien” European in Maryland basketball team, and that of course I know now is not as half as hard, because although I definitely felt out of place in many things, I never feared for my life and I always did have an understanding and support of my emotional core, my family and close friends. Playing and socializing with my gay friends, I started to gain a better understanding and admire them more as I got to know them better. Without exclusion, each and every one of those man/women are exceptional people who are in addition to all other daily life worries given, not as choice, yet another tough battle to fight throughout their lives.


Yes, this might sound so passé, now with Obama being elected as first black American president, the world wide Westernization and the new born hope, and not to be negative at all, but I think we all know the intolerance is still here. Thankfully there is less physical violence, but the seed of hatred is still there and this is what worries me sometimes. This is why I cried tonight watching this movie again, because it reminded me of a “suppose to be funny gay joke” or a “suppose to be funny resist or ethnocentric joke”, which we all hear on daily basis and stay quiet, say nothing at all. This is what has to change, and let’s not be hypocrites, I have to speak up first, no companies rule, no law or holly command will make a change, I will!


No matter if you are catholic, protestant, and atheist; no matter if you went to college or not; no matter if you are raised by parents who have zero tolerance for anybody who is remotely different, DO NOT use any of I as an excuse to be lazy and just hate. DO make an effort to truly meet a person and never judge if one is different. Live and let live. Simple as that. You are the one who has the power and the responsibility to one day, if so is your choice, teach your kids about life so make an effort and gain enough strength not to, even in your weakest moment plan a seed of a hearted towards anybody or anything into a new life. If your own demons (which you hopefully recognize on time) are to strong, be sure to leave some blank pages and let your child write them by him/herself.




So lets clean up in own backyard first, and than look across the fence. Because, maybe then my friend and his partner will be able to get married and hold hands in public without people looking at them as they were from another planet. Maybe my other friend will be able to adopt the baby or just admit to her parents that she is gay, maybe she will be able to stop pretending at work that her boyfriend is so busy that he never has a second to pose for a photo with her, all so she can progress in her career or even worse, still have a family to go to for holidays.


I pray and hope that “The Angels” land in Croatia soon; I hope they land here and stay.

Big Apple for Xmass

Finally it is here! Since early this summer I have patiently counting the hours, crossing out the days and ripping out the month pages on my fancy Paris calendar and finally there it came –the December! The picture on the page was of the Eiffel tower with a young couple kissing right under it and snow all around them…all over the part of the page where the days are marked I wrote: "2 weeks with Ante! Yaaaay! (with little hearts all around it)"ouhh I can't even tell you how eager I was for the 20th of December to finally come!

Work was stressful, I traveled some, had a lot of deadlines but I did everything fast thinking, if I hurry up, the days would go by faster as well. The anticipation was growing, I slept through weekends, the number of my weekly visits to the gym at least tripled, I waxed my legs and endured excruciating pain, did my nails, went tanning regularly and was completely packed a week ahead of time, all wishing to finally, finally spend some long waited and definitely much deserved time with my boyfriend. Two whole weeks, I thought! Days and nights- just a two of us! Yaaaay, heaven!


It is so weird how until you loose this privilege, of spending every night in the bed with the person you love, you are not even aware of what you are missing....until it is gone.


So, on the day of the flight I was particularly wired, and I didn’t even had coffee. I was scared of how am I going to feel when I see him, eager to kiss him all over, wondering if he will think I changed…a lot of things went through my head. Luckily, both of my flights were on time and other that somebody's freaking luggage falling from the damn overhead compartment on my head and cutting me right by my eye, everything else was fine. Can you believe that they said I cant even sue anybody for that?! But seriously, I was bleeding and the rude stewardess said there is nobody for me to sue! I said, "Come on! At least let me sue the airline!" Anyways, no scare, so I guess it is whatever.


All in all, I had a lot of fun on my two weeks vacation, it was challenging and all considering the whole situation, with my boyfriends mum being with us and all of my questions I had going there remained unanswered. Especially the big one, how long this whole long distance thing will last…but I did realize that I am the one who is able to decide on that as well, so I do have power as well, and I also got to know my boyfriend better in different situations. We fought and discussed our open ended discussion in circles, I cried and felt mislead, I felt as if he has been playing with me this whole time, we had fun and lought, in fact, spending time with him this past two weeks I laugh more than even before, he made me laugh so hard I cried, we both did.

We played games walking to movies and he hauled like a wolf walking down the street, while I was jumping around and dancing around him. It felt amazing waking up next to him every morning, and we kept our routine of me frantically half a sleep smacking all three alarm clocks and him grabbing my hands trying to stop me and hugging me to go back to sleep.


We are a great couple, him and I, we both work hard, have the same aspirations for the future (dog Duje, kids and all) and are equally afraid of getting hurt, but the good thing is that we also still both believe, and trust we will make it through all of this and make all of our dreams eventually come true.


He is truly caring, honest, respectful and getting more relaxed with me as time goes by, so this time being away from one another hasn’t damaged us as much as I expected it would. I still love him, even more than ever, I certainly admire his persistence and motivation, have more understanding for his needs, but I also trust he will make a right decision once the time for him comes to. I to might decide to take a different route, but one thing I know for sure, this man is worth of waiting for, and if we for some reason do not work out as a couple, I would always want him to stay a part of my life, because he does complete me, he makes me happy every second I spend with him and I do hope for a chance to give it a try on a real life with him.


Leaving NY I felt my soul detaching from my body on that airport and my heart going right with it, running after him and grabbing his hand, while my body continued with tears rolling down my face through the check in, and into the plain. It was hard, it still is, but we will make it.


Happy and better New 2009.Year to you all!




Xoxo,


Kat

Appetite for Love

When it comes to love I am like a child who, no matter the age refuses to believe that Santa is not real. The kind of person who thinks love lasts forever and who believes that there is only one perfect person for you in this world and if you are one of the lucky ones and you find your prince/princess charming, you better hold them tight and treat them good. I am the one who finds purpose of existence in love and passion.


Here I am not talking only about romantic love, although that one is on the very top of them all, here I am primarily talking about having love and passion for everything in life: the work you do, your family, your pet, your garden, your car etc. Whatever it is that makes your heart skips a beat and speeds up your blood flow, whatever makes you blush and puts the smile on your face when you get up in the morning feeling on top of the world.


See, first thing I do in the morning, with my eyes still closed and very, very disoriented I look for him, for him who I consider to be The One. I tap with one hand and look for his hand, chest, face...than I open one eye and realize he is not even there, just an empty pillow.... than I sink my head into mine and get upset and don't feel like waking up at all, which is usually followed with beating on my alarm clock or cell phone, again tap, tap with the same right hand from the elbow just stronger and angrier, once its silenced or broken I turn around to sleep some more.


I notice when leafs on the tree by my house are still golden brown and green even though its November, I notice if the person who I always see on the bus stop in the morning is not there anymore and I wonder if he is sick or maybe just slept in. Sometimes I look at the peoples faces on the bus, in the tram, walking down the street and wonder where are they going and who is waiting for them at home. I can tell by their eyes that they are tired, worried, sad, hopeless and wonder why...the creepy as it sounds this starts of my train of thoughts and leads my thinking into completely different direction, I reflect myself of it. I use those people as mirrors.


Looks like I am emotionally old school while physically and spiritually liberal, or just rather observant. It is hard to tell. One thing I know for a fact is that I have a strong appetite for love, while some have strong appetite for money or success, the way I think these have to be balanced, cause if you only crave for money and success than you will become money obese and love hungry and die, and nobody wants to die. :)


Xoxo,


Kat

Fresh Post

It was a while since I have written a fresh post, since than I have landed a new grown up and responsible job position. Position is very promising in terms of career growth and pay. Great! So what’s missing?

Well, New York is missing that is what. Here I don’t mean a City. When I say New York is missing than I mean: glam, posh people, Rugby crew, rush, Skim Peppermint Mocha, Ante and I on a boat ride around Manhattan or in the bed being lazy on Sunday afternoon in Astoria. Ahhh….

Once again I am faced with the long distance curse, it is going on and on and on….will it ever end? I sure hope so. I am in “Dangerously in Love” mood and my friends Armina and Anita are suggesting thinking “Me, Myself and I”…and I am trying to find a balance.

When it comes to balance I feel like one thing that would help to achieve it, is to do a detailed clean up in a social department. This means to prioritize and appreciate more my own precious time, and choose whom to give it to. This is how I see it. We all are given one little, short life to live. In this short life we are given a full freedom to use it to the best of our imagination and ability.

Most of us get so absorbed with what is society (family, friends, community, neighbors...) expecting from us to do or who to be, that we are loosing the power of critical thinking and creativity, we stop questioning what is really what we want from our life and who we really want to be. Next, we compromise and accept less than what was originally planned. This, my friends leads to becoming – ordinary. In the fashion lingo: little black dress, red lipstick and pearls = very Coco Chanel, classic but unique, just a black dress = boring and ordinary.

Now, one would ask, what is wrong with being ordinary…living a decent life, accepting the average job, average salary, average apartment, boyfriend or husband and just blend in with the rest of the ordinaries.

The wrong thing is that we can choose to be unique individual, not to compromise, not to take the easy way out, follow our instinct and take risks, to speak our mind and live or lives to the fullest! Of course this second choice comes with gazillion con's (heartbreaks, investment losses, disappointments etc.) but it makes one achieve his/hers full potential!

This way you live your life and are not just an observer standing in your own safe corner and doing your routine tasks, day after day, after day.